And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All the sacrifice in vain
[And] if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price,
But we will not count the cost...

"Bravado" by Rush

My Mom

There won't be any more rants for a while. And they won't be as virulent or mean-spirited.

My sweet, angelic mother passed away last night. The world is a lesser place. Heaven just got a little brighter.

And for all the yelling I do about people of every ethnicity, creed, gender or belief on this blog... in the last twenty four hours I have come to appreciate that there are a lot of really wonderful people who try to live the best they can and bless others' lives daily without knowing it. They do it so quietly that we don't really notice all the great people that are out there, and we see only the negative.

God bless you all, and thank you so much.

Sunday...Snacky Sunday...

Spent the afternoon at the Monturf's. Booing the Chargers-Patriots football game, making very evil and rude songs about players on both teams. Ate lots of pizza, drank much soda. Booed commercials. Decided that all men in New England area really enjoy looking at each other's butts. Made plans to nuke Boston off the face of the earth. Booed the TV some more. More pizza, more soda. Made fun of Philip Rivers and his ancestry. Cheetos. More soda.

Then, watched Packers-Giants game. No one to hate in this one, but we did mutate a couple of players names into very hideous things as we quaffed yet more soda.

Productive day. Who know when I'll go to bed. Full of sugar.

Supposed to snow tomorrow, much. Maybe call in sick. :)

Ah Hah Hah Hah Hah Hah...

Oh, the pain and the perils of beachcombing.

For Patriots Haters

Here's another gift to mankind that I just discovered. It's good to know that there are real football fans out there who hate, loathe, and wish death and dismemberment upon Tom "Fag Bait" Brady and the New England Fudgepackers.

A Lovely Valetine's Day Song ... To Get You Killed

I tried so long
To endure it
But I can't
Take it ... anymore...
Pain! Pain! Disgrace!

It's time to pawn baby,
Pawn off your face
Oh you know it's time
I pawned off your face

I spent so much
On you, time and money
And now you owe me
Owe me big time, honey

Time to take your face
Take your face to a pawn shop oooh
Gonna get back a few bucks
Or at least a nickel or two...

Used to be a believer
Said my prayers night and day
But after seeing you
Every damn morning
I think I'll go atheist-gay

It's time alright
Time to pawn off your face
And get something useful
Like expired mace

Break it down now...
Break down that funky face
What the hell was I thinking
What the hell was I drinking

Babe, it's time to pawn
Pawn off your face

(song written with poor Monturf in mind, drunk and carousing around with God-knows-what at a two-star Mexican brothel...)

The Ballad Of Professor Dumbass

Hello Professor Dumbass
What's going on now?
Can't tell the difference
Between your own backside
And the carcass of a cow?

Hello Professor Dumbass
I did that work already
In fact three times before
If you'd get it right and steady
Maybe it'd be done...comprende?

Hello Professor Dumbass
Supervisor of all us drones
If you had the IQ of a walnut
Or even a mongoloid clone
We wouldn't need to remove your bones

Hello Professor Dumbass
Work would go so much smoother
If you'd go and die right now
Things would be much groover
Go screw a vacuum, you Hoover

Hello Professor Dumbass
I'm not redoing that work again
If you think to tell me otherwise
I'll kill you dead with a rusty pen
And laugh as you croak like a hen

So Professor Dumbass
Go straight to hell right now
Go find all your miserable kind
You stupid, self-righteous
Stinking heifer bitch whore cow...

The Time Has Come

Utah drivers have existed for long enough. I have put up with them for long enough.

So I am now accepting donations for the Ultimate Highway Cleanser Machine. It'll have 10" thick steel armor, 48" high wheels, six 50 mm machine guns mounted, plus two missile racks mounted on each side, both armed with 24 high yield detonation incendiary rockets.

And it will do 160 mph, zero to sixty in 3.5 seconds.

I figure it will cost me about fifty million dollars. So let's get started on the funds now, people. Forget the morons running for president, funding my killing machine is a much better, worthwhile use of your money.

As a final note: I'd just like to say to the jackass who got off the freeway at the Benjamin exit in the silver sedan, license plate 8 something something MEH: there's no reason to be a big hurry to get home. Your wife is keeping plenty busy with all the neighbors. Why don't you make yourself useful and go poke land mines in Bosnian with a stick for a few years?

Blogthings

You Had a Fantastic Year!

Compared to most years, last year was definitely great. Overall, you're living a much better life than you were twelve months ago. And nothing is a better mark of a good year. Here's to hoping next year is even better!

How Did Your Year Rate?

What David Means

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you. You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Some of this is right on. But certainly not the type "A" personality. I have a type "D-" personality: I give less than a damn about accomplishing great things. Get out of the road and let me slack, jerks! Or I will blow lots of things up!

And I have all the energy of a dead duck left frozen in a glacier for fifty thousand years...

Mondays...

Don't wake me up
let me stay in bed
I don't want to work
can I call in dead...

...Every day over and over again
doing the same thing,
I'm going insane...

- A.C.T.

The Roger Song

1320 K-Fan played this on the radio this afternoon. Hilarious. Listen to the song that honors Roger "Rocket" Clemens, the white Barry Bonds of baseball (ie, cheater.)

Check it out.

Predictions For 2008

This is it. The Year Of... Doom. The Final Destruction Of The Monturf's Brain. And Major, Earth-Shattering Occurrences. Prepare ye, prepare ye!

Here's my list of things I believe will happen in 2008:

1. Hillary Clinton will finally admit she is actually a man - the sex change surgery went very badly. This surprises no one - did anyone ever think there was anything remotely female about Hillary?
2. Presidential hopeful, bigot and loudmouth Mike Huckabee will be caught in a revival tent with several underage boys and girls. He'll try to claim he was teaching them to "praise Jesus". The Republican party takes a hit as the "Party of the Perverts". The Democrats are enraged, as Pervert territory has always been their domain.
   
3. The New England Patriots will indeed go 19-0, but their fortunes collapse as 1,329 other women come forth admitting Tom Brady has fathered children with them. Brady commits suicide, and since the children were all conceived on team road trips, the Patriots are declared legally responsible for them. The organization goes bankrupt and folds, the Super Bowl trophies are auctioned off, Randy Moss becomes a gay Muslim and Bill Belichick becomes a karaoke superstar in Japan.
4. Unfortunately, 2008 will not be the year that Al Davis and George Steinbrenner croak.
5. The following celebrities will however, die in a massive riot while picketing downtown Hollywood boutiques that won't let them shoplift: Joan Rivers, Jessica Alba, Keanu Reeves, Robin Williams, Cat Deely and the Olson twins.
6. NASA discovers that the real cause of global warming is all the junk they've put in space over the years, reflecting additional sunlight onto the surface of the planet. Lame duck president Bush creates an agency of Space Garbage Sweepers to clean it up. However, the initial launch of the space vehicle "Trash Bucket 1" goes badly, and the 800 ton craft careens into Paris, France. The city is obliterated. England, Spain and Germany rejoice.
7. Greenpeace freaks set legendary orca Shamu loose during a performance. Ironically, the escaped beast knocks over a Greenpeace protest raft near Ireland and eats the occupants.
8. Sadly, 2008 is not the year that the world wises up and nukes the entire Middle East off the face of the earth.
9. Osama bin Laden, desperate to maintain relevancy, appears on the Arab version of "Who's Your Daddy" on Al-Jazeera. It is discovered, however, that he was born with no genitals and thus incapable of fathering children. It will turn out that all his wives have been messing around with Israeli and U.N. soldiers. This explains his real hatred of the rest of the world, and the terrorist thing is just a substitution for having no penis.
10. All the "energy drinks" will be revealed to be nothing more than fermented soy sauce mixed with bat guano and dried meth. Oddly, this improves the sales of said products. At this point, God will take out an full page ad in the Washington Post saying we are all far too sick to continue, and marks the year 2009 as the year He takes us all out behind the proverbial Cosmic Woodshed.