Happy Halloween!

To paraphrase the old Frankie Valli song:

Oh, what a night
Late October Halloween you see
What a very special time for me
As I remember what a night...

I'm grinning from ear to ear. That's all I am gonna say.

:) :)

Can I Have a Beer Now?

So danged tired. What a long week. Lots of OT at work. A lot of it unnecessary, due to (1) some jackass with a telephone and (2) a piece of crap database system.

Some moron with serious issues resulting from his/her mother's past romantic inclinations towards goats called in a bomb threat to the workplace on Thursday. Result: standing outside for over an hour, getting no work done.

More irritating was today. We could have been done and out the door by about 3:00 this afternoon, getting a jump-start on the weekend. But our freakin' el-cheapo-crapo database system kept having brainfarts. I hate Oracle, I truly do. First, it was down from 8:00 this morning until nearly 10:00 am. Then, it bogged completely down this afternoon around 3:30 or so - what should have taken less than five seconds to do was taking between five and ten MINUTES.

Aargh.

Finally, the drive home. Wreck on the freeway. Get off the freeway, take back roads. Back roads filled with old people putting slowly down the road.

AARGH.

But, oh reader, you should congratulate me on my restraint. I didn't break my computer. I didn't scream, swear, or flip anyone off. I just quietly muttered to myself and kept on truckin'...

Now, how about that beer (or six or twelve?...)

P.S. Loved Joy's revenge on Catalina in "My Name is Earl". I loathe Catalina. I'd love to see her die. (The character, that is...)

Why Am I Just Now Being Informed?

Ok, all your putz-schmuckers out there, why didn't you tell me Randy has an official blog? Damn! All the wisdom I've been missing out on...

I've Had Enough!

"The dream's still alive, some day it will come true..."

Oh yeah, John Freakin'-Sheep-Molester Mellencamp? When will it come true?

My dream is for John Mellencamp's severed head to be mounted on a pole with its tongue cut out, as a warning to all other country singers to stop stinking up our sporting events with commercials riddled with generic-country Nashville-spun shit.

I hate John Mellencamp. I want the man in a permanent state of non-lifeness. For the good of our country, and our children, please America - get rid of this inbred dweeb.

Av Evening With Da M-Turf...

You know, me and the Monturf have been pretty hard on the senior-citizen class in the Grand Vista lately. It made me think of these sad, lonely people, sitting in their darkened apartments. Waiting to die, alone.

I thought, I really must do something about the situation. Like, help them to die faster.

Presenting: The Dr. Daveorkian Geezer-Jumbo-Flush. The toilet that helps you end it all. Inspired by one-legged Jane, who was always complaining about her lack of mobility. So, thought I, what would happen if she fell down the loo and got flushed? It'd be pretty funny And then, "ding!" the light-bulb went on. "Let's give ALL old people the same opportunity. Then they'd be dead and we'd have peace and quiet!"

So, the Geezer-Jumbo-Flush is built specifically with the end in mind. Just squat, and flush. No more worries. For added convenience, a built-in recorder is available in our Premium Geezer-Jumbo-Flush model, so the departing geezer may leave any last words of wisdom (or more complaints...) to family, friends, neighbors, or the spider in the corner.

Help make America a better place to live. Help us get rid of old people. Buy a senior citizen a Dr. Daveorkian Geezer-Jumbo-Flush today. Available at all your finest weirdo outlet stores.

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New Mexican soap opera for you: "Mexican Man-Hooch". Following Desperate Housewives, of course. Who will Bernardo conquer next? "Hey babe, you wanna see my chalupa? Si, seniorita, yo se que lo quieres tocar."

Monturf nearly died when I told him this idea. He said his brain is currently packing for a Caribbean vacation.

October 13th Musings...

October 13th. The 13th day of the best month of the year. On a Saturday, no less. SWEEEET. And it's cold, rainy and all that to boot. Double SWEEEET.

Oh yeah, it happens to be my mom's birthday as well. My dad and I both got her movies. She's happy. :)

Sitting here, blasting the new The Cult record (awesome - their best since "Sonic Temple") and gonna sip away at some hot chocolate...

Later, on to Carla's and the Monturfs as well. Life is good...

Going to church tomorrow? Hmm. Maybe. Depends on how much Carla beats on me this evening. ;)

Hee hee hee...

Oh once,
Once upon a time
I had a brain
And it was mine

But then
It went away
It went far away
Oh oh oh oh...

I, I have a job
I actually have
Two jobs yes
Two that's right

Is that, is that
Why my brain
My brain went so
Very far away?

Tell me where
The broken brains go
When they can't
Work the work no more

I want my brain back
No not for a snack
Or even for a hat
Is it in a pond in Iraq?

Someday I will find
Find my poor brain
Until that day
I'll remain quite insane

Dumb Dave Strikes Again

I'm all alone
It's just another rainy night, without you.
Guess I'll leave a light on for you.
It's just another rainy night, without you...

- Queensryche

NFL Predictions Revisions...

Dumb NFL. Nothing is certain any more. Except that John Madden will continue to suck up to everyone, refuse to criticize anyone and proclaim Joe Montana to be the greatest quarterback of all time...blah blah blah...

Anyway, here's the updates:

AFC East (horrible division, by the way...)

1. New England Patriots (13-3)
2. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
3. NY Jets (5-11)
4. Miami Dolphins (3-13)

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6)
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-7)
3. Cleveland Browns (6-10)
4. Cincinnati Bengals (6-10)

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7)
3. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
4. Houston Texans (7-9)

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers (9-7)
2. Denver Broncos (7-9)
3. Oakland Raiders (5-11)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
3. NY Giants (7-9)
4. Washington Redskins (6-10)

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers (11-5)
2. Detroit Lions (8-8)
3. Chicago Bears (5-11)
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-11)

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers (10-6)
2. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-7)
3. New Orleans Saints (6-10)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-12)

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks (10-6)
2. San Francisco 49ers (9-7)
3. Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
4. St. Louis Rams (5-11)

Some Athletes Are Just Born Morons

First off:

How stupid can Travis Henry, the soon to be ex-Broncos back, be? This is a hick who has fathered nine children out of wedlock with nine different women. His paternity payments have to be out of sight. He gets a fresh start with the Broncos, whose system I could probably rush for 1,200 yards in. New contract, nice big fat signing bonus, pretty much guaranteed success.

So Mr. Henry goes out and does some bongin'. Gets caught, of course. Probably will get suspended for a year. Broncos will cut him. Other teams will be reluctant to touch him (remember Bam Morris?)

Next (even bigger) moron: Michael Vick. Already pled guilty to a variety of federal charges, facing up to five years in the pen. Gets busted smoking wacky weed.

Applying for reinstatement (again:) Ricky "Bob Marley" Williams. Three time loser.

How dumb are athletes? How stupid can they possibly get? Idiots, idiots, idiots...

Isiah Thomas...Guilty of Bad Taste...Bad Beer?...

Holy smokes.

Has anyone seen pictures of the woman that Isiah supposedly harassed? The man is either (1) blind (2) exceptionally desperate to get laid or (3) drinking himself into oblivion on a regular basis.

Probably a combo of all three. Yeeesh. What a grotesque looking creature.

Word of the wise, Zeke. If you're gonna hit on women, try someone who won't make you barf up your guts in the morning.

Oh, yes, harassing women of any kind is wrong...very wrong. That's what Bill Clinton is telling me now.

Yet Another Ye Olden Lament of the Monturf

In the dark I sit
Brain too far gone
I think it's oozing
Out my toes

Oh why, why
Was I made to
Suffer so?

They did bad
things in mine
Presence
My brain they
Did destroy
Is my name Leroy?

My couch, my floor
My closet and
Food store
Defiled by their
Fevered gruntings

Won't some one
Save me?
Or just feed me
To the rats?

Is my name Henry?
Or Bob?
I can't remember
Just what they did
To my house
Oh what a job
On my house
And on my mind

Aiiiiieeeeee........