Tips For Time Travel

Things We Learned Saturday Afternoon About Drunken Time Travel:

1. Don't do it. Especially if you are traveling to an area where your predecessors lived. You could be like the Monturf, and wind up as your own grandpa if you aren't careful.

2. If you insist on going back in time in a state in inebriation, take the following:

• Condoms. LOTS of condoms. But if you can't trust yourself or your N-Huggy partner to actually use it, a chastity belt is an option. Of course, for men, that can get very uncomfortable. Your best bet is still not to go back in time while drunk. Keeping several cans of ABC Chili in your time machine is an option as well.
  

3. If you do go back in time and either get someone pregnant or become impregnated, you can call the El Dave Sanchez Horny Time Travelers Attorney-at-Law Services. We'll make sure that the other responsible party and/or liable members are sued for back child support or neglect of paternity visitation rights, interest charges added.

(it may be wise to note to those that think this is a great way to get ahead financially that whoever you messed around may come looking for you with some sort of weapon, or worse yet, wish to start up the romance again after adding thirty years of wrinkles, warts, and STDs... so think wisely and carefully.)

4. Counseling for those who have gotten mixed up in time-traveling shenanigans can also contact the "I'm My Own Grandpa" Counseling Service by Caesar Monturf at 1-800-WHOOPS! The Caesar, for a small very large fee, will be happy to help you overcome the emotional and social effects of drunken time travel copulating. Please note that the Caesar is not available for the last two weeks in November, December and June as he must travel to California to visit all the illegitimate children he has fathered with various Hollywood actresses over the years.

We hope this helps, and will cut down on future-past foolings about, which not only threaten the fabric of time but can cause all sorts of embarrassments at family and neighborhood social functions.

Brain Grokking For The Day

That which croweth earliest in the morn'
Oft dost have the most to lose
Beware! O feathered strutting ego
Thy time of mother earth fast approacheth
I say unto thee, Thy Doom is near.

- El Dave Sanchez the Bleary Eyed Poet of Rage

....in other words, that damn rooster is gonna get his head blown off. Very soon. Below is a cherished artist's rendition of the Dream.

Monday Night Rants

Disciple of Kaos,
A self made man.
Disciple of Kaos,
That's what I am.
Disciple of Kaos,
The silent roar,
Disciple of Kaos,
Open the 1, 2, 3 war!... - Overkill

1. Michael Vick is finished. What really gets me is that just under four weeks ago, he was proclaiming his innocence and that he "looked forward to clearing his good name." Uh-huh. He just thought his high-priced lawyer would get him cleared, and that his homies wouldn't turn on him. Clearly, the plea-bargain has nothing to do with remorse for what he has done and everything to do with fear of punishment. The man is sad he got caught, not for breaking the law and torturing animals.

2. iTunes. Sucks. The last couple "updates" have been bug-riddled pieces of crapola. So much for the Rotted Worm-Infested Fruit Company's "superiority".

3. I'd really, really love to go to an Overkill concert and go completely nuts. I mean totally psycho, out-of-my-freakin'-mind. Head-banging, moshing, screaming along to "Wrecking Crew", "It Lives", "Fuck You"....etc.

4. I wonder how much longer it will be before the maggots of society descend upon Huntington, Utah, to start the lawsuits. Shit like Keith Barton, Siegfried and Jensen, etc... so they can feast upon human misery for their own profit to go out and spend $250,000 on diamond rings for their mistresses. I hate lawyers. And the news media, for that matter. Sick bastards.

5. There's a bloated, six-hundred pound thirty-something year old that infests the Grand Vista who really ought to do the world a favor and flush herself back down the toilet where she originated from. Jayna Cloward - you truly are a walking waste of oxygen. Go play in traffic. Blindfolded. During rush hour.

6. Am I the only one who is genuinely freaked out with the Broncos - Raiders trade? Talk about unlikely (and unholy) alliances. Time to dig the bomb shelters.

Another Ye Olden Rant Against Ye Olden Geezers

On this spinning orb of various gases, minerals and water, we have many problems. War. Famine. Disease. Hillary Clinton. But there is one problem, perhaps worst of them all, that often escapes notice.

Old people. Senior citizens. Geezers. Waddling drool buckets. Call them what you will, they are here, and there are far too many of them. Wasting our resources. Absconding with valuable time. Filling the already damaged atmosphere with countless amounts of CO2 due to their incessant complaining and farting.

I say it's time for us to take a stand against this vile horde. Through arsenic laced Gerber. Bear-traps hidden in Depends. Mind-control messages in re-runs of Matlock and Andy Griffith. If we want to do more than give lip service about making the world a better place for future generations, we need to start by getting rid of the previous ones.

I also will submit that age is not necessarily the only qualifying factor in designating an individual as a geezer. I am personally acquainted with two exceptionally large, lazy and oxygen-wasting people who are only in their twenties and thirties who easily would qualify.

Thus, we must take steps now to combat the Ultimate Menace that faces us as individuals, communities and nations. Vote yes on the upcoming U.N. resolution DIE-GEEZ to help make earth a more pleasant and worthwhile place to live.

Would You Like Some Plakh With Your Hok-Tar Soup?

Welcome, esati.

Hok-tar
Yes hok-tar
Not that skank
Tasha Yar
Let us never
Speak of it again

Early mornings
Barking chickens
I need to stick
My face into
Coal-black darkness

Dave Lee Roth
Sammy Hagar
It's not the same
At least in the rain
Of drunken bastard Spain

I will cherish thy sujbobbers
In happy cherishing-ness times
But please when I ask you to
Get back in the car
Do so without argument
I don't wanna take your friend
To an apartment convention
Cause I don't wanna die
In a ditch...

Guten frog, esatis...

SpongeBob and Iron Maiden...Together At Last

These SpongeBob editions of Iron Maiden album and single covers are hilarious! Check 'em out.

Blogthings Yah...

There's a Chance You Could Be Violent

Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions. Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act. Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage.

Could You Be Violent?

I'm only violent when I'm awake and on drugs.

You Are Not Prejudiced

Not only are you color blind, but you're also ethnicity blind, gender blind, and sexual orientation blind. You don't judge someone until you truly know them. And even then, you're probably reluctant to judge. You try to treat everyone equally. Everyone has a fair chance with you. Good job - there's not a prejudiced bone in your body.

Are You Prejudiced?

Nonsense. Like Homer Simpson, I am prejudiced against all races.

Your Life is 49% Off Track

Right now, you're taking things one day at a time. Some things are going well, but you can't help but wonder if you're getting the most out of life. It's time for you to slow down and reflect a little. You can change your life - but it's up to you!

Are You Living The Wrong Life?

Wasting life is the best part of it, so ... go watch some TV and slowly die. Like the rest of us.

What's Going On

Let's see, what's the El Davester been up to in the past few days:

• Went to see Rush play at the USANA Amphitheater on Monday. Great, great, great show. The crowd was really into it, the band seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the performance was superb. Oh yes, the South Park "Lil' Rush" intro to "Tom Sawyer" was absolutely hilarious. There's quite a few YouTube links of it popping up that you can watch. I will say that next time I am going to get more expensive seats. I was quite surprised at the amount of "white trash" and drunks that showed up, more typical of a Metallica concert than what you'd think you'd find at a Rush show. I was back in the third section, I admit (but still pretty good seats, $50 - I guess the hillbilly business of pimping their little sisters and hocking moonshine must be doing well these days...) Minor quibble for a thoroughly enjoyable evening, though...
• I've seen both the Simpsons movie (ok) and Transformers (surprisingly good). The thing that really irked me about The Simpsons was the ridiculously overused "marital crisis" subplot. Old, guys, very very old. If Marge was gonna dump him it would have happened a long time ago. The Bart "doodle" scene and Marge cursing at the end smacked of pathetic "look ma, we're not on TV now - see what we can get away with." Very contrived. The whole thing came off rather tired, which was disappointing considering the past season or so The Simpsons had seemed to be back on the upswing. Some amusing scenes to be sure, nice references to some of the old classics (my favorite was the still-wrecked ambulance against the tree next to Springfield Gorge) and of course Spider-Pig... but I'd overall hafta say this is a dollar movie or cheap matinee flick at best. "Transfomers" on the other hand was pleasingly bereft of some of the worst aspects of a typical Michael Bay flick - the dialogue wasn't quite as inane, and the movie never seemed to bog down with overwrought melodrama (see: "Armageddeon" and "Pearl Harbor"). Having the original voice actor of Optimus Prime back was a really nice touch, too.
  
• Had dinner with Carla and the DQ last night - good food, very good company (the best) - wish I coulda stayed longer, but you know, gotta behave. :)

So, yay that Friday is here soon and hopefully fall is not too far down the road. I hate summer, absolutely hate it. Anything above about 70 degrees is sick blasphemy...

Post o' Coo-Coo

Got the bright idea to get a priest, perform a few zombie-ations and start sponsoring "Already-Dead" celebrity death matches in my back yard. Here's a few potential lineups:

• Pocahontas vs Sacagawea - the ULTIMATE squaw fight.
• Jack the Ripper vs Lizzy Borden - gonna be messy.
• Abraham Lincoln vs Herve Villechaize - "de stove pipe hat! de stove pipe hat!"
  
• Emmanuel Lewis (ok, he ain't dead yet) vs Andre the Giant - gotta have at least one complete mismatch.
• Adam vs Eve - the battle of the sexes, decided once and for all.
• Timothy Leary vs Tammy Fay Baker - all that makeup oughta make Leary think he's on another acid trip.
  

In other news, if I've said it once, I've said it a billion times: no one on this earth should be without at least one King's X album. Go. Now. Buy.

Has anyone made Barry Bonds go away yet? Has a pitcher had the nerve to just bean him in the head with a 95 mph fastball? (Considering the size of his juiced skull, I doubt he'd feel it...)

It's gonna be Friday soon, and you know what that means. Bring all your finest Cheetos and triple chocolate cheesecakes and leave them at my door, that you may curry my favor (perhaps.)

Ta ta...