Here it is. The sight most dreaded by young children around America: the great sickly orange beast. Lurching down the road, spewing forth evil smelling diesel fuels, it snatches up our precious youth one by one and takes them into the very deepest, dankest pits of hell: public school.
Once secured in their mind control containment units, (i.e., classrooms) the children are subjected to hours of mind-numbing, IQ-reducing state-sanctioned propaganda.
The curriculum is distributed and controlled by the NFTA, (No Free Thought Allowed) otherwise known as the Department of Education. Further enforcement is done at local levels by the PTA (Propaganda Training Administration). The UEA/NEA consortium lobbies state and federal legislators to overlook the misdeeds (particularly sexual misconduct) and incompetencies of the propaganda instructors, who get a free pass due to a particularly nasty bit of unwritten law known as "Tenure".
What can we do to overcome this completely Satanik, and Most Demonik and Evil institution which is rotting the brains of our youth and leaving them vulnerable to the predations of sickos who should be neutered, diced, quartered, shot and then burned?
Two options: One: let them stay home, watch TV and eat junk food - they'll still be learning next to nothing (just like in school) and eating garbage (just like in school). But they'll be happier and less difficult to deal with. Also, you won't have to worry about coming home one day to find out that little eleven year-old Jonny has been learning about his ding-a-ling with Ms. McKenzie in fourth period and that he is going to be a daddy in six months.
The second option: Monturf Youth Academies. Colonel Monturf, world-renowned for his military conquests in such global trouble spots as far northern Greenland, has opened up a center for intellectual, emotional and spiritual "guided facilitation" just outside La Verkin, Utah.
The C.I.E.S.G.F. will teach your children about what really happened in history, why Michael Jordan and Joe Montana both suck and should die, and how to assemble nuclear weapons out of discarded vacuum parts, chewing gum and earlobe hairs in less than an hour. Once trained, the youth will go forth to serve their master, Caesar Monturf for an period of five to fifteen years. Yes, they may die. Or be horribly mutilated. Or take up with Asian hookers and get all sorts of really nasty STDs. But at least it was the choice of YOU, the parent and rightful owner of the fruit of your loins. Plus, if you sign up now, you'll receive a beautiful commemorative dinner plate, complete with your child's photograph and gold inscription "I Serve the Monturf".
The choice is yours. But act quickly, before Ms. McKenzie shows up at your door with a round belly.
