Ye Ancient Poem for a Frozen Sabbath Day

In times of yore
There was an ye ancient buffalo
Who roamed the earth
Both high, middle and low

In search of tasty enfruited snacks
To fill ye ancient buffalo
But while in Salt Lake City
Got run over by TRAX

This was the end of an ye ancient buffalo
Who once did search the earth
Both high, middle and low
For an enfruited snacks...

Infernal Brain Mutterings from the Deep

Here's what I think this morning (and from last night):

• Spring needs to get here. Or, we need to be allowed to live like polar bears and hibernate until spring gets here. I'm sick of freezing weather, getting up in the black night, getting home in the black night ... enough!
• EnergySolutions Arena - I have a better name for it. Colostomy Bag Jacuzzi Arena. Doesn't that sound more appealing? (the Monturf started screaming when I came up with it and said he'd never get in a hot tub again...)
• Our servers at National are slower than a pair of blind, paraplegic tortoises climbing up Mt. Everest in a blizzard.
• It was really nice to see Mr. Bill Beli-Jerk of the Patriots get knocked off. Don't care either way about the rest of the Patsies, but Mr. Hoodie can go straight to hell. (And while he's at it, I hope he takes his butt-kissing stooge, Bill Simmons (aka Sports Guy) with him...)
• Who wants an Ayatollah Cola?
• The Monturf has found the Fountain of Youth secret: it's really unpleasant, but he claims it works. Basically, you (1) shove a 5 lb. t-bone steak (medium rare) as far up your butt as you can, then (2) sit in front of a heating vent and finally (3) douse yourself in A1 steak sauce.
• Two days after the conference championship games, and I'm already sick of the Super Bowl hype.
• Here's a frightening thought for you: Don King marries Pamela Lee Anderson (and breeds.)
  
• Here's an even worse thought for you: Michael Jackson marries Anna Nicole Smith (and breeds.)

Have fun in whatever bucket your face is in today.

P.S. Yes, my vision of the Saints was unfulfilled. I realize this. Probably just as well, considering what happens during the game...

Bloggy-Things

You Passed High School with an A

You have the brains of a high school graduate... at least!

Could You Pass High School?

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you. With respect to money, you are a bit stingy. You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities. The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort. You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.

Who's The True You?

Your Slanguage Profile

Aussie Slang: 50% Prison Slang: 50% Canadian Slang: 25% Southern Slang: 25% British Slang: 0% New England Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep. Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy. Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

You Are Quite Worldly

You've done a good bit of worldly exploring, and you have an international perspective. And you're definitely looking forward to your future adventures abroad. You've got the passport, the desire to travel, and maybe even the language skills. Now all you need are the means!

How Worldly Are You?

In 1974 (the year you were born)

Gerald Ford becomes president of the US Hank Aaron hits his 715th home run to beat Babe Ruth's record Impeachment hearings are opened against President Nixon by the House Judiciary Committee President Nixon resigns President Gerald Ford issues an unconditional pardon to ex-President Nixon for all federal crimes Muhammad Ali knocks out George Foreman in the eighth round to regain the heavyweight crown in Zaire Heiress Patty Hearst is kidnapped by and eventually joins the Symbionese Liberation Army Dungeons & Dragons officially released People magazine is published for the first time Kate Moss, Alyson Hannigan, Penelope Cruz, Alanis Morissette, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Ryan Seacrest are born Oakland Athletics win the World Series Miami Dolphins win Superbowl VIII Philadelphia Flyers win the Stanley Cup Blazing Saddles is the top grossing film All the President's Men by Bernstein and Woodward is published "Killing Me Softly With His Song" wins Grammy for song of the year

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

I Have Seen the Future!

Ok, dream from last night.

I now know that the Saints will be playing in the Super Bowl. Because I had a vision of myself and the Monturf attending the game. The football gods did not reveal to me the winner of the Colts - Patriots game.

I do know that this Super Bowl will be very poorly officiated (even worse than last year), for I saw in my dream the entire stadium chanting "Screw the Refs! Screw the Refs!". And then we started throwing chairs onto the field.

The Monturf and I claimed we didn't start it, and for some reason, security believed us. But the rest of the people in that entire section were ejected from the game.

Needless to say, I foresee and wild and bizarre Super Bowl, with terrible officiating, riots and blood in the streets... but I don't know who won the game.

Reflections from a Twisted Old Mind

As I sit here this foggy, cold morning, blasting live Candlemass and eating microwaved food, I'd like to make the following comments:

• The death of Britney Spears - well, we all saw that coming sooner or later. A Louisiana hoochie with that much money... yeah, O.D.'ed on crack cocaine and fried chicken, a bit predictable, but at least the world is a better place now.
• I'm deeply relieved that Steve Sarkisian has taken his name out of consideration for the O-Ders job. (1) Coaching for Al Davis is a professional kiss of death these days, (2) college coaches who go straight to the pros as a head coach get slaughtered no matter what team they are on.
  
• The Slut-Whore of Arkansas has announced it's candidacy for the Presidency in 2008. (Yes, I said IT - I'm not gonna insult the female sex by alleging that Hillary is remotely woman-like...) Well, it's not unexpected, but a it is sad commentary on the state of our country that someone of IT's ilk could even get elected to senator, let alone make a run for the leader of America.
• Anybody wanna donate about $5,000 to me so I can buy the world's largest potato gun?

And now, I go off to mutter in the dark again...

Another Lament of the Monturf

(with apologies to Candlemass...)

I'm sitting here alone in darkness
Waiting to be free,
Brain destroyed by so-called friends
I long for my time to flee
Death means just relief
Please let me die in solitude

My mother was a liar
My father hated blacks
Why can't I just live my dream?
Of Pepsi and sweet snacks
Oh please let me die in solitude...

Stalked by slutty coworkers
That sleep with everyone else
Now unable to find relief
Empty booze bottles on the shelf
Oh, why can't I just die in solitude?...

This Has Gone Too Far!

Ok, the Burger King Gay Puppet thing has gone on for way, way too long now.

1. Blasphemous, sacrilegious ads with the Gay Puppet replacing NFL players in classic game moments.

2. Being packaged and sold in video games. My girlfriend has three of them. I spend nights weeping bitterly into my pillow.

3. Now the Gay Puppet is appearing in a "Got Milk?" ad. Holy pasteurized cow juice, Batman! What's next? Condoms with the King's face on them, sold with kids meals? BK Gay Puppet running for Congress?

Oh, the pain, the pain of it all...

Festivities, Freezings and Rantings

Hello there, Non-football children! Here's the post I promised you...

First of all, a happy John Chilembwe day to all of you! Let us all celebrate by smoking kiwi plants and fighting off our oppressors, whether they be employers, parents, school administrators or just bed bugs hiding in our socks...

I'd also like to take this opportunity to:

• Tell the paper-pushing bean-counters up in the Salt Lake state government to go shove a stylus up their asses.
  
• Begin the seven day countdown to the Glorious Day of Liberation and Freedom at my job:
  
  Scheduled For 1/22/2007 05:00 PM
  7 days 7 hours 47 minutes 28 seconds or
  1 weekend or
  7 days or
  175 hours (117 waking hours) or
  10,547 minutes or
  632,847 seconds
• Say a big nyah nyah nyah to all those people who didn't receive coupons for miniature Bentleys in the mail last week.
• Once again, ask someone in NY to please shoot Rosie O'Donnell so the hot (and stinky, rancid) air pollution in the world will go down a few notches.

I have more, but food and Dutch heavy metal beckons me. Therefore, in my absence, I tell thee to go forth and slaughter the enemies of mine face...

Last Playoff Rant for the Week

Greetings, football children! (you non-football children, never fear, I will post something for you, too...)

Got my wish with the Chargers. 14-2, then one and done. I must say some of it wasn't Schottenheimer's fault. Yeah, Tomlinson didn't get the ball nearly enough in the second half and he wasted a valuable time-out on a challenge that was not going to be overturned. And yes, the Chargers played to not lose, rather than play to win.

But the Chargers vaunted "D" didn't exactly play up to snuff, either. Yeah, they picked off Brady three times. But when they had to make a big play, they didn't. And they gave up a bunch of big plays. And Mr. Steroids LB was a complete non-factor. Can we say "OVER-RATED, OVER-RATED"? And Philip Rivers, the Tony Romo of the west coast, fell apart like an Iraqi hanging victim...

The final four contestants are all seriously flawed teams. Sadly, it's the best the NFL can offer. I'm all for having some level of uncertainty and every well-run organization having a chance, rather than seeing two or three big market, big money teams (Dallas, NY, SF, etc.) win every year ... but the quality of football we are seeing continues to decline at the same time.

And a final note: L.T. is right: Belichick is a completely classless asshole. From the behavior of his team after the San Diego game, to his treatment of Eric Mangini, to his condescending and arrogant behavior in dealing with people in general over the course of his career... he deserves a good knuckle-sandwich right in the ol' Boston Baked Beans kisser.

O-fer Playoff Predictions

Ok, ok. I admit it. I completely blew it on my "revised" Super Bowl picks from a week ago: Ravens vs Eagles. We all know how that turned out. At least the Eagles made a game of it.

My original picks were Colts vs Panthers. Well, it may turn out that I am half right - but for the wrong reasons.

The reasons the Colts are advancing is due to how lousy the NFL has become. Teams with awful offenses like the Ravens and Chiefs would have both been 3-13 squads twelve or so years ago. Indianapolis' defense hasn't turned it around - they've just had the great fortune of playing two squads who'd have problems putting up twenty points against a mid-major college team.

And the Saints, the "feel good" story of the year, are in the same boat: be grateful they play in a mediocre NFL that lets them get away with having a defense that couldn't stop a bunch of blind octogenarian grandmas.

(How about that first play hit on Reggie Bush, though? One of the sweetest blow-ups I've ever seen, along with Jim Burt's KO hit on Joe Montana in the '85 playoffs and the smackdown Steve Atwater put on Christian Okoye on MNF in '90...)

I think I'm giving up on predictions for the rest of the year. I will say that in a mean, sadistic way, I'm rooting for the Chargers to pull a choke job. I really don't like Marty Schottenheimer. Or their pill-popping, Mexican rat terrier LB Shawne Merriman.

Until I Find Time to Write...

I really do still have lots of very evil, sick, twisted things forming in my little brain. I just have no time to write them down. So until then, enjoy a few more Blogthings...

You Are More Yin

Feminine Devoted Forgiving Fall Winter Afternoon Moon Time Passive Metal Honey

Are You More Yin or Yang?

Your Personality is 40% Addictive

You don't have an addictive personality - at least, not usually. You can indulge in vices freely, and there's little chance that you'll get hooked.

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

You Are 20% Spoiled

You are definitely not spoiled. You've worked hard for what you have. Down to earth and grounded, you don't need a lot to make you happy.

Are You Spoiled?

Say It Ain't So!

In yet another sign of the dark, troubled and depraved world we live in, USC assistant coach (and former BYU quarterback) Steve Sarkisian appears to be a candidate for the vacant head coach position in O-Der land.

For those few of us who aren't snorting chunks of old glue for breakfast (and thus can remember back to the year 1996,) Steve had one of the best single seasons in BYU football history. He completed nearly 69 percent of his passes, throwing for over 4000 yards and 33 touchdowns. All while leading the team to a number five final ranking after beating Kansas St. in the Cotton Bowl.

Why? oh why? would someone, anyone, be so desperate to coach that he'd sell his soul to Lucifer's (senile, Gerber-slurping, Depends-clad) right hand man, Al Davis?

Please tell us it ain't so Steve. You'll get your chance in the NFL, I'm sure of it. On a team with a functioning front office, a roster that isn't filled with malcontent cast-offs, and fans that don't appear in "Child Molester Wanted" posters on a weekly basis in post offices across America.

Coaching the O-Ders, particularly if it's your first coaching gig in the NFL, is a sure one-way ticket to never, ever coaching in the big leagues again. Not mention leaving you scarred, body mind and soul, for the rest of eternity.

Hooray for Non-Cowboyness!

We here at the Society for the Preservation of an America Worth Living In would like to thank the Seattle Seahawks (and Tony Romo) for making sure that the so-called "America's Team" did not advance in the playoffs.

Note to the slack-jawed yokels down there in Texas: (1) The Cowboys aren't America's Team. At least, not any America worth living in. (2) We're trying really hard to give you and your miserable state back to Mexico. Problem is, they've got too much self-respect to take you. Go tread on yourselves, you tequila slurping poser-hosers!

Ah, at last, peace and quiet. Hopefully, no more Mee-Ohh Owens whining to the press. No more Tuna grunting one syllable responses. No Jerry Jones and his deformed, plastic surgery scarred-face on TV. No more anything related to the Big Gay Silver Star.

Sweetness...

Well...Maybe Not...

Hmm, well, yes, wonderful sounding in theory. In real life, though, my brain and conscience seems to be telling me that there are big downfalls to my new paradigm.

Pity. It sounded like so much fun. :)

It's All Good

In the coming days and months and years, you will be treated to a New Philosophy of Dave. This new outlook, (paradigm if you will) on life will enable me to scale new heights of depravity, insanity, and horrible consequences. I feel liberated and free! As the great Caveman Philosopher Gruntar the Gruntulant said, "Me no it takum more, ug ug!"

Caring only leads to unsightly ass pimples, premature aging, and fatigue from the effort of giving a crap about anyone or anything. Who needs these terrible, stinky symptoms?

Not me.

Hee heee....

:)

Que Dia Miserable...

Geez, some days it really doesn't pay to get out of bed. Or open your mouth. Or write an email. Or maybe all of the above.

It's even worse when you are as twice inept socially as physically (and I'm the world's biggest clutz) and therefore tick off all sorts of people without even trying.

Somebody please shoot me now and do us all a favor. Before I open my big fat mouth again.

On the bright side (literally) my truck's got new headlights and I can actually see again at night what I am about to run over. Or off of. Or into.

I'd have some witty commentary for you, but I'll spare all of you and go stick my head in a bucket instead.

P.S. I have no idea what possessed me to post that Faith No More song. It's a good depressing song, but now I'm afraid somebody might have taken it as being directed at them, and it wasn't. I just posted it because it's a depressing song, and also because someday I want to grow up to be a big loser living in a run down trailer who hangs himself in the shower by a belt. (Lofty goals, I know...)

Good Night...

2007 Already Sucks Eggs ... I Want My Money Back

Backside melts into the sofa
My world, my tv, and my food
Besides listening to my belly gurgle
Ain't much else to do
Yeah, i sweat a lot
Pants fall down every time i bend over
And my feet itch
Yeah - I married a scarecrow
I hate you
Talkin' to myself
Everybody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'
Someone taps me on the shoulder every 5 minutes
Nobody speaks english anymore
Would anyone tell me if i was gettin' stupider?
I hate you
Talkin' to myself
You don't feel it after awhile
You take the beating
I'm a swingin' guy
Throw a belt over the shower curtain rod
And swing - - -
Toss me inside a hefty
And put me in the ground
A drink needs me
I don't
I ain't about to guzzle no tears
So kiss my ass
Newscasters, cockroaches, and desserts
I hate you
Talkin' to myself
Everybody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'
where are the kids?
Maybe pregnant,
or on drugs,
or on welfare,
on top of the world,
the honor roll,
on parole,
on reruns,
in the Dodgers,
back of milk cartons,
on stakes in them middle of corn fields,
on covers of future history books,
on old lady's mantles,
walkin' on water,
nailed on crosses,
I think it's time I had a talk with my kids
I'll just tell 'em what my daddy told me
YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA AMOUNT TO NOTHIN'

- Faith No More, "RV"

This Is Sweet - Mission Statement for 2007....

Check out this great new thinga-ma-bob from Dilbert.com

Here's mine for 2007:

"We strive to continually facilitate effective infrastructures in order to conveniently initiate competitive resources to set us apart from the competition."

Rock on, dudes!

R.I.P. Darrent Williams

I'd like to quote a Soulfly song that reflects how I feel this morning about the worthless pieces of excrement who shot and killed Darrent Williams early this morning...

Murderer - covered in sangre
Murderer - blood on your shoulders

Karma - how does it feel?
Karma - to take a life
Wailin' - wailin' in vain
Wailin' - you'll reap what you sow!!

Thou shalt not kill
Thou shalt not kill
Thou shalt not kill
Thou shalt not kill

Thou... face your judgement

Whoever you are - hell awaits you, for all eternity. And you deserve it.