Predictions for 2007

Hello there, oh Ye Reader,

Here's my predictions for the coming year. And of course, I have seen the True Future after snorting silly string fumes all last night and nearly having my right arm chewed off. Read ye, therefore, the signs of the times and know what awaits you in the coming year...

• The outgoing Grand Imperial Wizard ... er ... Secretary General, Kofi Annan, announces that he is gay and has been sleeping with Elton John for the last twelve years. And that ol' "John Boy" has really been the one running the U.N. It makes sense, since the for the last twelve years, all the U.N. has done is suck and blow. Great job, Elton. Why don't you go back to writing songs about dead English princesses?

• Guns 'n Roses will actually release their long awaited album. However, it will not be what long suffering fans have hoped for. The three-disc long album will consist solely of Axl "Axe-hole" Rose telling people how to raise petunias in Wisconsin while still smoking fifteen pounds of pot every single day.

• Mexico will officially become property of the United States (by default.) This is due to the fact that all the citizens of Mexico are now living in Los Angeles, Phoenix and Santa Fe, and there's no one left down there to run the place. President Bush will appoint a special commission, headed by John Kerry, Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy, to go down there and make sure no one steals any of the beaches from Cancun or Puerto Valerta.

• Ellen Degeneres will announce she is no longer gay after seeing Rosie O'Donnell nude in the shower. In related news, The Gay Straight Alliance announce that Rosie isn't really gay either, just very ugly, stinky, obnoxious, conceited and unable to land a man with a working penis.
  

• The legendary Loch Ness monster appears in the English channel, of all places, and begins eating fishing boats and small military craft. The Scottish people declare it's a sign from God and burn all of northern England to the ground.

• Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will release a movie about the life and times of Pac-Man.

• Jesse Jackson will get caught in a compromising position with a Catholic nun, and challenged to a seven-round slamdown by the Pope. Jesse will tearfully confess he never believed in God in the first place, but he was just using that Bible stuff to nail young black virgins.

• Another outbreak of e. coli will kill every last inhabitant of Indonesia. Diseased chickens will kill all of Southeast Asia. No one else in the world will give a damn.

• Greenpeace will be acquired in a hostile takeover by Manchester United owners, the Glazer brothers, who will turn the environmentalist group into a vegetarian themed donut shop and amusement park. No one outside of Seattle or Portland will care about this, either.

• Microsoft will announce its intention to enter the breakfast cereals market and begin producing Internet Explorer 7.0 Crunchies (With Extra Bugs).

• The following celebrities/entertainers will die in golf tournament accidents: Carmen Electra, George Clooney, Zakk Wylde and Phil Collins.

• The Yankees will fail to win the World Series. George Steinbrenner will die during the postgame interview when he begins shrieking at the top of his lungs and trying to strangle Joe Torre.

• A strange viral infection causes all Brazilian supermodels to gain 350 lbs overnight, lose all their hair, have raging cases of genital rashes, and horribly bad breath. Victoria's Secret goes bankrupt three hours later.

• Mr. Potato Head Karaoke will become the latest teen fad. Parents everywhere will start to drink (even more) heavily.

• The Department of Education will finally admit that public education is a complete and total failure. Children ages five to ten will work in sweatshops to keep them occupied. Children ages eleven through eighteen will simply be sent to Africa and New Zealand to hunt for dodo eggs. Anyone above that age will either have to get a job or go live in Bogata, Columbia.

And now for my personal goal for 2007: to never, not even once, speak to Britney Spears. (Gotta set those goals high, you know...)

Happy New Year, and may all the drunken bozos out there tonight kill no one except other drunken bozos!

Grok this, New Year!

You Probably Won't Keep Your New Year's Resolution

Something isn't quite right with the resolution you've selected. Maybe it's time for a different one?

Will You Keep Your New Year's Resolution?

Merry Christmas!

In the darkened, moonless night
Santa is angry, he has a plan
Revenge upon humanity
Will be his upon this night

So tired of the greedy letters
So tired of elves' labor unions
So tired of stinky reindeer
So tired of the whole thing

Santa's got himself a gun
And some ammo too
Santa's cruisin' tonight,
Santa's cruisin' for you

No more milk and cookies
Santa's loaded on vodka now
No more Mr. Nice Santa
Death's coming on a Flying Plow

He's got that manic look of death
Eyes glowing red, red with evil
He shot all the elves, Artic Slaughter
Then ate all his reindeer, yeah yeah

If you hear noises on the roof
Late one Christmas Eve, well
Run to the cellar, children or else
You'll be visiting Santa Hell

He's had enough, drunk and bitter
Can't take no more holiday glitter
Santa's gone nuts, gonna kick butts
No lumps of coal, just cold hard steel

This is the ballad of Santa's Rage
This is the ballad of Santa's Rage
Run away, run away, run far away
Before he slaughters you with his 12 gauge...

Christmas Eve Grinchings...

Here's a random list of the El Dave Grinchmeister's mean-spirited and nasty"Shout Outs"of Insanity...

• Sometimes there really is karma in football. Here's to you, T.J. "Douche-Man" Houshmandzadeh, for your unauthorized use of the Mile High Salute. The football gods were angered that such a sniveling, overrated prima donna monkey such as yourself would dare use the celebration started by the great Terrell Davis (hallowed be his name forever!) And thus, the football gods smote your team by causing the extra point to be botched. Why don't you go home to your Untouchable Caste kind and shovel crap out of the Ganges River like you are supposed to, "Douche-Man" Zadeh?
• Bobby Knight's secret to longevity and success is attributed to the secret contract he made with Satan as a five year old child in an outhouse in Bismark, North Dakota. All hail thee, Robert "Dark" Knight.
• Beware of a small group of small children dressed as dwarven proctologists, carrying extra-sized candy candies. Extremely unpleasant.
• Umm, the Christmas Story is a funny movie, but does TBS have to show it 24 hours straight? I'm gonna go for Black Christmas instead. Maybe followed by Alien Resurrection.
  
• I can't believe two of my three days off are about gone already. Tuesday will come all too soon. Wah! Wah!
• For those of you who simply MUST know, I took not one, not two, but THREE naps today! Ha ha! :P
• Michael Irvin of ESPN is dumber than a lobotomized chimp and twice as ugly. Why can't we just replace him with a half-priced rotting pumpkin covered in cow manure?
• Why can't the NBA have a Christmas day game that does not involve Kobe "A" Bryant and the L.A. Homo-Bakers? It's ok. I am pretty sure that within a few years, anybody and anything living in Southern L.A. will have been deep-fried in radioactive fallout. Not by terrorist groups, but because Rosie O'Donnell relocated and started sunbathing in her yard.

And on these thoughtful, friendly and kind thoughts, I bid you all a warm and e-coli free Christmas Eve! Ta ta, children...

A Heartwarming Christmas Tale, Pt. I

Sit back, ye drunken listeners
And hear ye mine sordid tale...

Once upon a time, in a small remote forest
Lived a young boy who had no face
He lived in mortal fear of his evil stepmother
And his evil stepsister, who both beat him
On a constant basis
And worse yet, forced him to bathe them
(For though he had no face, yet he had other
Senses Quite Keen)
And he knew of their hideousness

Then one very cold and dark winter night
His stepmother and stepsister made him
Go into the Darke and Haunted Forest
To gather firewood for the furnace
To heat the cauldron water for their weekly
Most Grotesque and Awful Bathings

As the boy with no face wandered about
(It's hard to find firewood in a Darke and
Haunted Forest with no face, you know)
He stumbled across something...
And his life would be forever changed

For the poor young boy had tripped over
The Moste Naked and Nude body of a
Snoozing Forest Hag. And this, oh Reader
Was no ordinary Forest Hag, but the worst
Kind of all: a Forest Shag Hag

Thus the poor lad, having wakened the
Shag Hag, and not being quick enough to
Escape from her grubby clutches
Was pulled down to her woolly, leave and
Twig clotted bosom... and Oh Ye Reader,
We shall mercifully spare you further details...

to be continued...

Payson Nightlife just got Much Better

Are you tired of the same old stinky, worn out drinking hole? Tired of having to cruise darkened streets filled with starving, mangy animals and homeless people, looking for female companionship? Sick of shouting into an empty bucket at home, pretending it's karaoke night?

Your cries for relief from boredom, icky snot-filled booze and diseased hoochies have been heard. El Dave's IQ 51 Inc. are proud to bring to Payson a whole new take on nightlife: Skankers, a private club for men.

We guarantee the waitresses are no less than a 36-EEE and have an IQ level no higher than 65. We promise the beer is imported (no American swill), the porn is Swedish, and no country music crap is played - ever. And for you low rollers, you'll be happy to know the pole-dancing girls will accept coupons clipped from last week's KMart newspaper ad - dollar bills are not a necessity.

Special evening events will include such things as:

• Saturday Night "South of the Sombrero" specials - the girls are all illegal aliens, the most beautiful Latinas to sneak across the border in the past week. They're wearing sombreros and absolutely nothing else. The tequila is 50 off%. And at the end of the show, the men will sing "Nyah Nyah Nyah, Nyah Nyah Nyah, Hey ey ey, Goodbye!" as INS agents swoop in, arrest the girls and deport them back into Mexico. Sorry girls, better luck next time!
  

• Tuesday Night "Loch Ness Lassies" - the hottest Scottish girls around (and we aren't just talking about their tempers!) See if you can drink a Clan girl under the table, or beat her at logger tossing. But remember guys, if you piss 'em off, you're on your own. Our bouncers aren't messing with drunken naked Scottish girls.

So come on down to Skankers, where Hell is just one more skank away!

Yargling Farkle Bah Chous

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring

You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

What's Your Thinking Style?

You Are an Angel

A truly giving soul, you understand the spirit of Christmas.

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

An angel with horns, maybe. Dishing out pain, lots of pain, for your Yuletide nightmares. :P

You Are 27% Peaceful

You aren't a very peaceful person, and you are at odds with almost everyone. Relax! No one is out to get you. Let other people make their mistakes. Their idiocy is not your burden.

How Peaceful Are You?

I don't have problems. You do! Die, die!

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam. You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing. Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long. Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word. You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.

What Year Should You Have Been Born Under?

You Were Born Under:

Fierce and courageous - you are the king of every situation. You pounce and attack, until others give you want you want. Daring and magnetic, you inspire others to follow your lead. And while you're wild at heart, you have some hidden soft spots. You are most compatible with a Horse or Dog.

What Year Were You Born Under?

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: Ironic by Alanis Morisette

It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought ... it figures

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

Blah!

You Are 73% Ready for Marriage

You are almost ready for marriage, and you could be ready to be engaged. You're still figuring out the details of your ideal relationship!

Are You Ready for Marriage?

Quake, fear and tremble, oh ye world...

You Are Very Mature

Even though you may not always feel like it, you're a full fledged adult. And while everyone should be as mature as you, most people aren't!

Are You Immature?

Hmm...

Pearl Harbor Day

Please take a moment to remember those who lost their lives this morning, sixty-five years ago.

Yuletide Yummies

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas from Santa Dave! I've got a list of holiday cheer that's sure to make your parties the talk of the town (and probably, doctors and lawyers...)

1. German Chocolate Shepherd Cake - amaze your family and friends with this authentic Bavarian Bowser treat! Mouth watering delight sure to make you the host (or hostess) of the year! Specially bred German Shepherds are lovingly plunged into vats of boiling hot dark German chocolate, cooled, and then sliced into delightful snack sized goodies. Mmmm, mmmm.
   
2. Fru-Fru Cake - how can one improve upon the beloved, world-wide enjoyed fruitcake? Why, by adding large heaps of fru-fru fruit! You can't get any fruitier than Fru-Fru Cake!
   
3. Scottish Bog Egg-Nog - Ever had the embarrassment of hosting a holiday party, only to discover that the guests are complaining that the egg nog is a bit lacking in cattails and authentic marshy flavor? No more! With Scottish Bog Egg-Nog, there's a mouthful of cattail and authentic Scottish moor water in every sip!
4. Candied Cranes - yes, a bit on the ostentatious side (not to mention expensive), these life sized 100 ton construction cranes are built entirely out of mint flavored hard candies. Not only do they look great and taste great, they'll let everyone six counties away know you're throwing the Christmas gala of the year!

With these four great appetizers on your menu, the guests are bound to gasp with awe, amazement, and wonder! Bon apetite!