Holiday News

Just because I'm out busy committing various nefarious deeds and crimes, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten you, Oh Person of the Yuletide. I've been working for several months on putting together a Children's Choir of Six Year Olds who suffer from Turret's Syndrome, ADD, and various hearing disorders.

This wonderful new choir, who will be singing all your favorite holiday classics (slightly re-written) in malls across the country, shall be known as Hatred for Dinner.

More details and songs to come.

Blawg Thangs Again For Ye

You Are 40% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd. You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

How Nerdy Are You?

Your Life is 56% Perfect

Your life is pretty normal - sometimes great, sometimes not so great. You have a lot of good stuff going on. Your life may be more perfect than you realize.

How Perfect is Your Life?

A Country Song Worth Hearing

All of life is against me
Useless blood sweat and fears
Ain't no use worth keepin' on
Baby, I just wanna get laid and die
Not gonna bother with no tears

The bills, they just keep piling up
Can't never seem to get ahead
What the hell is going on
Baby, I just want you to lay me
And then I'll go be dead

An hour in the back of the sedan
Or maybe in an abandoned '85 van
A bit of sin in a dark movie show
Take it all off girl and let's go go go

I just wanna get laid and die
Just wanna get laid and die oh yeah
Shove the responsibilities and all that shit
I just wanna get laid and die...

Yeah girl I ain't above some beggin'
After a lifetime of pure livin' hell,
Won't you come take me to heaven?
It's not so much to ask for some n-huggy
Let's get the gettin' on, hot 'n muggy

I just wanna get laid and die
Just wanna get laid and die it's true
Sweetheart, I ain't askin' too much
Do your thing then I'll clock out for
A nice permanent lunch...

Lay me baby, lay me good
Lay me and then I'll die like
An old piece o' wood
Lay me good, baby really good...

Happy Thanksgiving

I'd just like to take this chance to give a big shout out to all those people who deserve it, and wish them a happy Thanksgiving.

• I'd also like to point out the generosity of John Fogerty appearing during the halftime show of the Lions - Dolphins game, on his "Rubbers for Retirees" world tour, part of an effort to make sure that there is a condom dispenser in every rest home and assisted living facility in America by 2008. Old people get horny too, you know.
  

• Rumor has it Johnny Cash has emerged from his grave to start burning down Choice Hotels.com participants.
  

• The Dixie Chicks admitted the reason they're really so bitter about George Bush is that he didn't pony up after sleeping with all of them.

• Kremlin Krap Stew is now being offered at several small Chinese restaurants in New York.

• The best place to buy sweet smelling fog juice is in a bar just outside Wgnoka, Mongolia.

• Tom Cruise admits that his wife beats him with bread rolls while watching old Madonna music videos.

• Phil Simm's "Iron Man" trophy is really a conglomerate of three trophies melted together in a tragic orphange fire in Bosnia twenty years ago.

• The Uncle Chuckie Noodle Farm Choir will be performing their rendition of "Sex Farm" on a very late night KSL special tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving again! Don't forget to catch the First Annual Blind-Down-Syndrome Flag Football tournament in San Diego this weekend!

Poltergeistisms of the Monturf

I am the Monturf
I mutter in the night
Evilness runs in my veins
My TV tells me dark things
Oh blessed voices insane

They tell me to kill kill kill
Old bats, old hags, old bags
Die die die die die die die now
The Magic Holy TV tells me
Set my anger fevers free

And now that the deed's done
Again I sit in the dark night
Evil things in my brain yes
My Precious, Precious TV
It speaks to I, Myself and Me

Crazy, Crazy, Crazy

You know, the companies putting out products like this should be held responsible, to some degree, for the hell that is breaking loose. It's part of the marketing, part of the hype, free advertising and all that. But it's extremely unethical.

Yes, the individuals involved are reponsible as well. But Sony (or Microsoft, or Nintendo) know good and well what is going to happen when they put out a high demand product like this. They also know the target audience (males, 16-40) and how they will behave if the product in question is in short supply and high demand.

People. Can't live with 'em. Can't figure out what to do with 'em... etc, etc.

Ban those !@#%@#% Chevy and Ford Commercials

Ok, here's my latest anti-ad gripe, specifically, the Chevy ads with John "Sheep Love" Mellencamp singing that damn "This is Our Country" song. It's awful enough hearing it once, but it's getting played two dozen times during a game. Can't somebody just take him out and leave him in Yuma, Arizona, to die?

And that queer-ass country singer, whazzis name? Toby Keith?

Gotta get up early
Got lots of sheep to molest
I drive them POS Ford trucks
'Cause I can't afford the rest

I'm a Ford truck man
Dumber than shit in a can
Yes I'm a Ford truck man
Please send my sorry ass
To Iran...

Ugh. Like Arsenio Hall said, country is the special Olympics of music...

Blawhg-thangs...

You Passed Your Driver's Test

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct. You're a good driver - at least, when you want to be.

Are You a Good Driver?

Your Movie Buff Quotient: 62%

You are a total movie buff. Classics, blockbusters, indie favorites... you've seen most of them. Your friends know to come to you whenever they need a few good DVD rental suggestions.

Are You a Movie Buff?

Your Vocabulary Score: A-

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

You Are 40% Politically Radical

You've got a few unusual political ideas, but overall you're a pretty mainstream person. Chances are that you're turned off by both the radical right and looney left.

Are You a Political Radical?

New Menu Additions

It's the First Annual Great Gogol-Banza Blowout Dinner at My Precious Burrito! Myself and the Monturf will host this great celebration of our angriest foods from the Southwest, with particularly burning tacos, speed metal salsa music, and tying up Elton John and beating him to death with frozen lemmings! So come on down and join us!

Enjoy a variety of new drinks that I've invented, like our fabulous:

• Chicken 'n Beef Cola
• The Fezbuster Vodka Surprise
• Ultra-Mega-Sour Cream Martini
• Skanto Seiko Chau Chau

And of course, we'll be serving generous amounts of the Monturf's Infamous Pinched Loaf Pine Nut Brownie Cake...

It's Saturday (Yes, Not Sunday!)

Hello there,

A good, cool rainy day. Also, I have no clue what day of the week it is, apparently. I should probably lay off those lobster-crack laced Cracker Jacks chased with Jack Daniels...

And now, a song...

smurf blood blue
tasty oh so tasty
yes its true

i drink it, a lot
i drink it in the night
smurf blood delight

i bought it in the store
my girl she said it's ok
so i bought it, yay yay

and now i can't stop
gotta have my tasty
tasty smurf blood, see?

almost as good as sex
much better than surgery
the ol' smurf blood juice hex

gimme gimme gimme
gimme my smurf juice tonight
gimme or i won't feel right...

Updates on Raider Nation

Did you know that...

• Due to so many horrible seasons in the past twenty plus years, the cash-strapped Raiders can no longer even afford to spell out the word "Oakland Raiders" on their uniforms, merchandise and advertising. They're now simply the O-ders. Very, very bad ones, too.

• Al Davis, in a desperate attempt to salvage his fan base, has bought out the Church of Scientology and the Jehovah's Witnesses. Members of both faiths will be forced to attend all O-ders games. This should prove most interesting drama in the stands...
  

• The O-ders are so bad that naked, starving people in third world countries are choosing to freeze to death rather than wear any sort of O-ders clothing.

• The O-ders are so terribly awful that a group of drug-addicts in rehab offered to do a "Live-Aid" type comedy concert in Mexico to raise funds for the O-ders to hire a real GM to fire everyone else in the organization and start over.

Yeah, gotta love it when Raider nation sucks (more) than usual...

Final Desserts

Ah, poor Don Lothario. Trying to cook up a simple dessert for one of his lady friends, he winds up cooking himself instead.

(What I really love is watching the Grim Reaper go watch TV for a while after 'harvesting' the dead Sim...)

Blog from the Dark Side

Ok, I admit it. I crossed over the edge of insanity. I got free tickets to a BYU preseason game. So me and my dad went. Yes, I, the Great Blasphemer and Sarcasm King, set foot onto Zoobie territory. GASP! Here's a few brief thoughts and observations:

• Thank goodness, there were no BYU cheerleaders at the game. Apparently all of them are still in treatment for the STDs they picked up over the summer.
• Cosmo, however, WAS there. (He's the mascot.) He mostly ran around in the stands and hi-fived students and little kids. But in the back of my head, I was thinking "if that thing gets any closer to me, I'll kill it!"
  
• Can the seats be any more sardine-packing-ish? I'm 6'6" and my dad is 6'4". We both didn't fit at all. My knees were pressed up hard against the small plastic seats in front of me the whole evening. I guess only pygmies are supposed to go to college basketball games.
• I think the BYU fight song was written by an elderly man who, in a state of extremely painful constipation whilst upon his porcelain throne, started shouting out stuff to take his mind off things... and thus BYU's extremely lousy fight song was born.

And now, I set off to nappy time, to dream of Carla and licorice whips and ... er.... um, well, you weren't supposed to know about any of that! Never mind, carry on and forget I said that last bit!...