I Have Returned!... I Think?...

Hello there, oh Ye Readers.

After spending the better portion of six days trapped inside a small plastic bag in a ditch somewhere outside the city limits of Tan-Sha-Ba, I escaped with the aid of a pair of rusty pliers and my handy emergency magic turtle flying kit.

Thought for the Day: He who fears the inherent rat-ness of his or her own mind, must find the inner cheese of their soul that thereby the rat-ness may be satiated and leave the mind-soul in peace. Those who have found true inner cheese-ness need not fear the giant slobbering rats of their moldering brains.

Random thoughts:

• I finally figured out that ABBA was the most satanic pop/rock band of all time. Not just the horrible music, but the true intentions lurking behind their sickening popularity. You see, ABBA stands for All Bow Before the Antichrist. (This explains the many mental issues of someone I used to work around at a local repair shop - he played this shlock all day long...)

• Only 34 more days until Halloween. Get with it, people!

• I noticed last night watching Under Fire on Court TV, that 95% of the high speed chase / police shootouts seem to occur within a few miles of where I used to drive to work in Dallas every day. Many on the very road I was driving. Coincidence?

• The singer for Green Day looks like the unholy love-child of Michael Jackson and Liza Minelli. And he sings worse than a giant African toad that chain smokes cheap cigars and had its larynx removed at some point.

• If Osama bin Laden's severed head appeared in your freezer, offering you a plate of his new "Jihad Cookies", would you take it? Or just burn your house down and run screaming into the night?

• How many years ago was David Letterman declared legally dead? I'd like to know...

And now, it's time to pretend that I work. Rather than spend my days in a dark cave, harvesting the ear wax of dead turtles.

Song of Joy and Gladness for Today

The world, it will always feed on hate
It's, what caues the world to rotate
No need to complain, it's so great
It's what parts us, from the apes

So feast on the anger
Gobble up the rage
As the human race flames out
Let's turn the page

Oh, joy joy joy joy
We're gonna die
Happy happy happy
Life is a big space whappy

Die die die die die...

Songs and Mutterings for a Cold Tuesday Morn...

Ahk, I canna stand it
Blah, gonna demand it
Price gas gouging bastards
Shall die, die die die die!

Why, oh why, must I pay
at least forty cents more
Here in this Utah place
Than some LA skank whore

Gas bastards shall die, die die!
With maggoty flies in their eyes
For them no one shall cry
Gas bastards you shall die die die!

-----------------------------------

In other news, the World Council of Pragmatic Hatred and Doom came to the decision that the entire Middle East is a lost cause. Rather than continue to waste billions of dollars on this godless region, the Council has decreed that the Middle East be turned into the first World Garbage Dumping Zone. Everything from dirty disposable diapers and old condoms, to industrial waste and other biohazardous materials, shall be heaped upon the Middle East forever more. We feel this is a wise decision that can only benefit those of us who deserve to live.

The President of Iran announced that (1) he is gay and (2) he is the bastard child of Michael Jackson, who slept with a 12 year old Armenian flight attendant some years ago.

The American Society of Eygptologists announced that due to the incredibly high amounts of corn fructose sugars in American diets, we are all basically embalming ourselves from the insides out, and that even after being buried for five thousand years, we will be perfectly preserved.

Hillary Clinton admitted that (1) she is indeed sleeping with her daughter and (2) she's really a malfunctioning robot built in South Korea some fifty-five years ago. Did she mean herself, her daughter, or both?

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger tripped over head coach Bill Cower's lower jaw after last night's 9-0 loss to the Jaguars, damaging his spleen, kidneys and groin areas. He is expected to be out two to three years.

On this day two hundred years ago, Chinese rice farmers invented hip-hop. Sorry, ghetto nation, but it's true.

And finally, this quote from the original Smush-Waka-Chang-Bang singer in 1985: "I don't make music. I make money. Lots of it. And then I spent all of it on giant collectible ceramic monkeys."

Song for a Black Monday

"I'm all alone
Waiting for no one
I see the daylight fade away

I'm so afraid
I know you're around me
I hear you crying in the wind...

I'm all alone
Waiting for darkness
I wish the sun would slip away

I still believe that you didn't leave me
I see your shadow in the haze..."

- Nightingale

Oook Oook Oook....

You Are 52% Slacker

You are a bit of a slacker - though you can pull it together and live a somewhat normal life. If you're young, this is probably phase you'll outgrow. And if you're already grown up, you need to get off the couch a bit more!

Are You a Slacker?

Your Life Is Worth...

$751,000

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

You Scored 70% Correct

You are a solid child of the 80s You'd never confuse Tiffany from Debbie And while you may not know Prince's first #1 hit You know every word to Little Red Corvette

How Much Do You Know About 80s Music?

The New and Greatly Improved Chicago Bears Fight Song

Bend Over, Chicago Bears
Already screwed, like sissies at a gay fair!

Give It Up, Chicago Bears
Got no chance, unless you're playing blind crippled hares!

Your offense is so lame, so stupid and boring
You send all your fans into comas and snoring

Give It A Rest Already, Chicago Bears, yup
If you have success, it means the NFL went bankrupt

You and your skanky fans us greatly annoy,
May God burn down the state of Illinois!

The New and Improved BYU Fight Song

Fall down, Cougar fans, it's another year of pain and woe
We must admit defeat, that we both suck and blow
Dazed, confused, and lost
Every game is a slaughter
Why the hell do we keeping coming here
To this godforsaken alma mater?

Chorus:

Sit and sob, the team is a fraud
And the cheerleaders but two-bit hookers
Cougar scum, again get beat like a drum
The fans are drunk and schnookered

And again, the following week, its the same old shit again
BYU gets blown out, by a midget high school from Japan!
We'll curse our fates, increase suicide rates,
'Cause we're the loser fans of BYU!

My Lord! It's Full of Gumps!

To help celebrate "Special Brain, Not Low IQ" week, here's a list of films that could be Gump-ified and turned into cash cows at the box office...

• Count Gumpcula - living alone in a run-down castle in the middle of the Florida Everglades, the Count lures unsuspecting victims into his lair where he can suck the juicy essences out of their cordial cherries.

• You Only Gump Twice - British secret agent Gump fakes his own death (accidentally) and somehow manages to foil a scheme by international crime syndicate BART-BART to deprive the world of chicken feathers and chocolate.

• Oh Gump, Where Art Thou? - while working on a chain gang in the south, Gump escapes with the help of two other inmates and goes on a wild adventure across the Carolinas. At the end he winds up as a twice-married, once-divorced chocolate lawyer.

• Gump Runner - in the dark, twisted future of L.A., Gump is forced to choose between his true love, an android who feeds him erotic chocolate, or saving the earth from a gang of robots gone evil.

• Crouching Gump, Hidden Forrest - Gump stars in a martial art flick, where his protege steals his box of chocolates and disappears into Mongolia with a group of bandits. At the end, Gump dies and his trainee forsakes evil by tossing himself off a high cliff with the chocolates.

• Star Gump: A New Chocolate - Luke Skygump discovers that he is descended from an ancient order of sword toting vigilantes, and goes forth to recover the Great Chocolate and save the Galaxy from their oppressive Jock Overlords.

• Saving Private Gump - the true story of how seventy-five thousand Allied troops died in World War II trying to rescue a down-syndrome soldier lost in his own tent in a Bavarian forest.

• Jurassic Gump - the tragic tale of an amusement park built entirely out of chocolate on a small island in Central America, and the many deaths that ensued.

• An Officer and a Gump - a chick flick tearjerker, where a low IQ Navy officer romances a lonely woman. Their love is ultimately doomed as he is not smart enough to figure out what is supposed to go where when they make love.

• Ferris Gumpler - a mentally challenged yet extremely rich and spoiled twit destroys the entire city of Chicago in one day, with the help of his two friends.

• Gumploose - a frustrated dance teacher in an oppressive small town goes insane trying to teach the local retard how to dance and save the people from the small-minded town elders.

• Happy Gumpmore - Gumpmore is accidentally invited to a charity golf tournament and kills many people with his line-drives, including cameo celebrity Bob Barker.

• This Is Spinal Gump! - Gump attempts to take over the world with his brand of mongloid rock, but winds up broke and doing covers of old Lawrence Welks tunes in an abandoned bagel factory outside Winnipeg.

• Ben-Gump-Her - a Jewish chocolate merchant is imprisoned and later sentenced to work on the galleys while his mother and sister turn into lepers and fall into pieces along side a road.

• King Gump - the giant forest Gump creature is captured and taken back to New York for display, where he breaks loose and tears the city apart while looking for German chocolate factories.
  

NFL Season Predictions, Pt. II

Ok, so the standings and all that are taken care of. Now, for the fun stuff. Here's a few ideas (off the wall ideas, yes) of what will take place in the 2006 season...

1. The Raiders start the season 0-4. Aaron Brooks' mangled corpse washes up somewhere on a deserted beach in the Bay Area. Al Davis is more than happy to claim responsibility. Art Shell retires by week 6, to devote his life in a monastery that exists solely to proclaim that the Raiders, either in Oakland or L.A., never existed and is a figment of the imagination in a sick world gone horribly awry. Jeff George takes over as head coach, and inexplicably manages to the lead the team to a few victories. However, he leaves the post at the end of the season to replace Bryant Gumbel on the NFL Network after Gumbel is struck down by lightning after declaring that he was bigger than Jesus.
2. Attendance declines sharply at Falcons home games, as more and more attendants are seriously injured by Michael Vicks' ever worsening passing "skills". Those who do come are given protective equipment to wear, such as Army helmets and padded vests. The Falcons eventually put Vick on their WWYAFHDP (We Wasted Yet Another Frickin' High Draft Pick) list and sign a blind homeless man off the streets, who immediately leads the team to several victories.
3. In an attempt to bring back the infamous "Dawg Pound" of years past, desperate Browns ownership flies over fifty thousand soccer hooligans from the slums of London and Berlin. The plan backfires, of course. Riots break out everywhere, the stadium is burned to the ground, and most of Cleveland is destroyed within days. The Browns team is nowhere to be found. The NFL says this is not a problem, as everyone who plays the Browns is virtually guaranteed a victory. So while the team and organization are all dead, rather than bother with an expansion team again, the NFL simply decides to leave the Browns as is and give each team on their schedule a "forfeit" victory every year.
4. Jerry Jones, entrepreneurial genius and sick, immoral bastard that he is, takes the Cowboys Cheerleaders things even farther and sets up a tent-brothel village along the sidelines. Fans (for a minimum fee of $2,500 for every ten minutes) can fornicate with their favorite Cowboy Cheerleader in an air-conditioned tent while watching Drew Bledsoe and T.O. screaming and chasing each other around the sidelines with machete blades. The Cowboys report record profits, while at the end of the year, the UN declares the Dallas/Fort Worth area an AIDS disaster zone.
5. The new Cardinals stadium really will turn out to be a spaceship. In their sixth home game during the second quarter, it simply lifts up into the skies and disappears, never to be seen again. The only person left behind is Dennis Green, with a sign around his neck, "Used Football Coach, $2.00 - contact Zed Zeta 3 at Alpha Centauri Radio Shack if interested."
6. Sick of the comparison and constant hype, the Mannings now claim that younger brother Eli was actually adopted from a village of starving Africans, and that his real name is Lok L'Tan Zko and has absolutely no relation to Peyton.
   

Of course, you can count on more rants as the season goes along. Ah, life is sweet, when the NFL season is here. When it goes away, there's naught but drinking stale beer in my tears...

NFL Season Predictions, Pt. I

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (10-6)
2. Miami Dolphins (9-7) *
3. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
4. NY Jets (3-13)

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-7)
3. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7) *
3. Houston Texans (6-10)
4. Tennessee Titans (4-12)

AFC West

1. Denver Broncos (11-5)
2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)
3. San Diego Chargers (7-9)
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11)

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
2. NY Giants (9-7) *
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (6-10)

NFC North

1. Chicago Bears (9-7)
2. Detroit Lions (7-9)
3. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
4. Green Bay Packers (3-13)

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers (12-4)
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (11-5) *
3. Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
4. New Orleans Saints (5-11)

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks (11-5)
2. St. Louis Rams (8-8)
3. Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
4. San Francisco 49ers (4-12)


Super Bowl Prediction:

Panthers - 31, Colts - 23

More Of This Needs to Occur

Check out this article on a recent Spanish fashion show. Good for them, and hopefully it starts a trend. It's disgusting what western civilization has done to women in terms of self-image and unrealistic expectations...

Mutterings, Comments and Predictions...

Hi there, O You Chippy Chipewas!

Greetings from the dark side of my brain, which has been a bit AWOL lately. Here goes:

• Got home in time to watch the last couple minutes of the first half of the Dolphins - Steelers game. I hereby ban Al Michaels, or any other broadcaster, from using the word "great" more than twice in a game. If every team, player, and play was as great as often as the word gets tossed around, about twenty teams would win the Super Bowl this year and at least 75% of the players currently in the league would get to the Hall of Fame. So, drastic reduction in that damn word is in order. Violators will be required to help Al Davis change his soiled Depends on a daily basis.

• The halftime butt-kissing of Jerome Bettis. It was sickening to sit there and listen to him preen about how great it was to the win the Super Bowl, and what it great story it was for him to get his Super Bowl ring. WRONG, Bus-Boy! You were as vital to the Steelers last year as a mosquito in Venezuela is to helping people in Greenland quit smoking. And WRONG AGAIN! It's not a great story for NFL fans to watch a team win the championship due to (1) a cheap shot on an unprotected player (2) playing another team that was a basket case after the death of their coach's son and (3) some of the worst playoff officiating in the history of the NFL during the Super Bowl. The Steelers are arguably the worst team to ever win a Super Bowl.
  

• Onto politics: Rumor has it that George Bush and his cabinet have convened an unlikely group of collaborators in order to shore up border security with Mexico. The U.S. government will soon announce that former employees of BALCO, a group of followers of Aleister Crowley, the makers of Goya refried beans, and Dr. Herman's MegaWoosh Laxatives have come together to create a race of satanic, farting super zombies with severe diarrhea that will patrol the borders and keep our nation safe from all those terrible illegal aliens. (Oughta work, I wouldn't want to come across one of those...)

• I haven't gotten around to making my NFL predictions yet this year, but rest assured, my brain will spew forth that for you soon enough.

And now, back to my Brain Bucket Chamber...

Mumblings for a Monday Evening

Ah, the end of a nice long vacation. Night after night up staying up late, watching silly movies that only get shown in the wee hours when brains don't function right. Then sleeping in until 10:00 the next morning. Having cold pizza for breakfast while watching "Pinky and the Brain". Cranking up old favorites like Death and Overkill, checking out new stuff like Polish prog-metallers Riverside (excellent!) and the most recent Soulfly release (brutally heavy, great, great stuff!)

I can only imagine the unholy piles of paperwork that await me tomorrow morning. But it was SO worth it. My batteries actually feel recharged to a degree.

And of course, real football is almost here ... the NFL kicks off the regular season on Thursday. And life is good.

Now, for a few random thoughts of insanity...

• Just to make people sick to their stomachs, let's rename Labor Day to Jim Nabor Day
• To appease the Gods of Argen-Baghk, let us toss all cheerleaders into a giant vat of molten chicken gizzards and let them drown in it
• It's after Labor Day, so let the Halloween preparations begin in earnest! It's the most important and greatest Holiday of the Year, so I expect total participation and no expense to be spared as we prepare for the arrival of the Great Pumpkin and all his Pumpkin Patch overlord buddies!

I would say more, but I am tired and my belly is fully of digesting things, thus I must lay down and let my gurgitation processes proceed. Yeah, I know you wanted to hear about that...

Yada Yada Yada Ya...

If You Were Born in 2893...

Your Name Would Be: Raak Umoro And You Would Be: A High Priestess / Priest

If You Were Born in 2893

You've Experienced 52% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s. You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What Kind of Blogger Are You?