Song for a Lovely Monday

Do with me, do what you will
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
Yeah I've had enough, I've had my fill
And dare I say that I'm missing you today
With no direction ever had...

- Overkill, "Black Line"

El Dave Investigates ... Acumen

About six months ago, a dying disabled individual, dressed in tattered potato sacks and reeking of many weeks of living in a dumpster behind Albinosons Grocery, appeared on my office doorstep. Before collapsing into eternity, this poor individual croaked out a final plea to me. "Acumen ... you must ... stop ... Acu...m..." With a final withered gasp, the poor creature expired next to my morning copy of Balthazar Currency Reports.

And so, I sent my senior investigator out into the dark, seamy underworld of social service financing agencies. Then, nothing. For about four months no word was heard from my source. Finally, just as I was beginning to think the contact had either gone back to its home planet or been molested by Paula Abdul, I received word of this Acumen and the terrible truth that lurks beneath.

The secret can be explained by the name alone. Acumen is originally derived from an extremely obscure form of Gaelic. In its native form, it is actually H'aack' ug' meyn. Pronounced, roughly, as ack-u-meyn. It refers to the obsessively violent hatred of a lesbian Nordish cult that sought the destruction of all mankind that terrorized all of northern Scotland, Ireland and many areas of Scandinavia until about 1200 AD, when the group supposedly was wiped out by a particularly nasty strain of contagious nipple leprosy.

However, the cult did not die off entirely. The survivors merely went underground for hundreds of years, living in small caves in far northern Finland and parts of Russia, kidnapping and molesting village boys when necessary, in order to perpetuate their Sisterhood until the time of the Great Skanking should arrive, as foretold by their Queen Mother many thousands of years ago.

And when they finally emerged from obscurity, the cult chose to reenter the modern world through an apparently inauspicious form. Social services, particularly those involving disabled individuals. Led by their leader Mizz Heiferlickensteingooden, they quickly gained control of several key state and federal leaders in the western United States, by using bizarre brainwashing techniques and live lesbian love shows accompanied with Barbara Streisand music, that rendered their captives incapable of useful, intelligent thought.

With the minds of key federal and state senators under their control, the cult then created Acumen (which, not coincidentally, can be pronounced as Ack! You Men!) And thusly, with new funding and cash available from state and federal agencies intended to help the disabled and unfortunate, the Sisterhood once again began their warfare to destroy all men on the earth... a struggle that is going on right now, at this very time...

This El Dave Investigation sponsored in part by the Sainted Bernardians of Yodeltown for a Lemmie-Free Madagascar

Poeyms from Work

The Ayatollah
He like the Coca-Cola
But he not admit it
Don't want to get busted
Down to assistant mullah

Break it down now,
Ayatollah Cola!
It's the drink that
fights against
American Pigs...
or at least that's
What they say

But I just think
that all the ayatollahs
are gay.

The Ballad of the Dork from Spanish Fork

Well, sit down children
and I'll tell you quite the tale
a story of a man who's brain
had grown rather stale

His name was Lee, that's
Mr. Jackson to you
And apparently ol' Lee's
been sniffing shoe polish and glue

Well he called me on the phone
and he bitched and whined and moaned
Said "cut me a check now!"
Or I'll take all your doggie's bones

And I said Mr. Lee, why don't
you shut for a second and see
Or could you just go away and
Into a plugged in toaster take a pee

Well he sniveled and moaned some more
About how terrible we were and how
He'd take it to the Suuuupreme Cour'
(Assuming he could walk without his knuckles, that is...)

Hey! He's Lee Jackson, Master of Action!
His brain's so dead, it's been left in traction!
Action Jackson! That's Mr. Lee Jackson!
I guess his problem is that lately he hasn't
been getting any horizontal traction action

Dorkus Malorkus Jackson! That's Lee Jackson!
And we'd all be better off if his sorry ass
Got sent to Iraq for a street bomb testing reaction!
Butthead Jackson! That's Lee "Pee Brain" Jackson!

I Have a Dream

I alluded to this in a recent earlier post, but now I will elucidate my vision in all its terrible splendor and glory...

I have a dream of Lavell Edwards Stadium, filled to capacity. The proceedings are carried live throughout the state via KSL TV and radio. An enormous stage, bathed in lights, surrounded by a splendidly dressed orchestra.

The orchestra consists of six hundred chimpanzees with kazoos. On the stage is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, clad in biker outfits. This evening, they will be performing the entire Judas Priest catalog, from the first track on "Rocka Rolla" to the final cut on "Angel of Retribution".

The performance will be uninterrupted. Every single song will be sung without a break. If this necessitates rotating performers due to loss of voice, heat exhaustion, hunger, bladder problems, or being attacked by one of the members of the monkey orchestra, so be it. The show WILL go on!

And then I see in my dream, the smoking ruins of Provo, being cemented over by FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers. Once buried, Provo becomes the Lost City of Which We Do Not Speak.

And it is good.

Gud Mourning Sunshyne!

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he wants us all to die.

Alternative Energy and Anti-Hunger Drive

I'm back again. But this is for a worthy cause. Read on...

As we all know, the planet is facing several major crises, in terms of energy production and global pollution. Power outages, unclean fuel sources, global conflicts, starvation ... just some of the many problems facing us in these trouble times.

Let it not be said that El Dave, sitting in his brick-plated fortress of doom, lets the cries of the poor and oppressed of the earth go unheeded. And so, on the 1st of September, I am sponsoring a renewable energy resource convention that will also address the needs of the hungry and poor.

So on September 1st, won't you join with me in my F.A.R.R.T. coalition? (Flatulence for All Renewable Resources Treaty). By feeding everyone on the earth large amounts of refried beans with peppers and carbonated beverages, and channeling the ensuing ... uh ... emissions through specially modified toilets that are connected to large generators throughout the earth, we can supply enough energy to all the world. While keeping everyone fed at the same time. And if the house smells a little funky when you turn the lights or AC on, remember, it's a small price to pay for a cleaner, well fed planet that doesn't rely on coal, petroleum or nuclear energy.

So on September 1st, do your part. F.A.R.R.T.

Songs I Wanna Hear

I thought the anniversary celebration post would be enough, but no, I'm back to inflict more punishment on your brains on this lovely day off.

So, without further blah blah, I present to you Yet Another List. This one of cover songs I want to hear before I die.

• "Devil's Child: Covers of Classic Judas Priest Tunes" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
• "My Ding-a-Ling" by Slayer
• "Don't Break the Oath" by Brittany Spears
• "O Solo Mio!: Classic Opera Songs" by Jon Bon Jovi
• "Master of Puppets" by Dido
• "Pat Boone's Greatest Hits" by Pat Boone
• "Raining Blood" by Mrs. Miller
• "Welcome to the Jungle" by the Vienna Boys Choir
• "Number of the Beast" by Belinda Carlisle
• "I'm a Little Stinkbug" by Carla
• "Bastard Nation" by Kenny G
• "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam" by KISS
• "Purple People Eaters" by Megadeth
• "Iron Man" by Shakira

There's more, but the pizza calleth my name, and I must obey my master.

One Year Anniversary!

Well, well, well. One year of the world being subjected to my mental incongruities via this lovely blog. I am surprised that it lasted this long. Usually with projects I quickly get distracted by a trail of ants running from my carpet to an anthill fifty-five miles away, and I wind up on a six month sojourn of adventure, discovery and thirstiness.

But, being the unusually cruel, sadistic and cold-blooded tyrant of evil that I am, I've stuck to this. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. All shall hear, all shall fear. Or at least retch. Or, more likely, switch to a more normal web page muttering about how the Internet has gone to hell in a e-handbasket.

Anyway, to commemorate this special occasion, I'd like to thank the following individuals and world corporations for their assistance in keeping this Asylum of the Damned going. (Deep breath) Here goes:

• The Baronness Carla von Lushenhottenmeinkers
  
• Soviet Premier Caesar Monturf
• The Evil Chipmunk
• El Gran Taco
  
• Pepsi
• Cheetos
• Code Red and regular Mountain Dew
  
• Apple Beer
• the creators of the Simpsons
• Douglas Adams and particularly Marvin the Paranoid Android
• Senor Pepe and Captain Pokey
• The Zoo
• the homeless guy in Seattle who finagled his way into us buying him lunch at McDonalds
• ESPN and CNN for supplying me fodder for infinite rants against sports and political figures
• Court TV and particularly the denture-cheese lady and the angry Nebraska farmers
• Utah drivers for supplying with me with daily brain hemorrhages necessary to keep my brain from functioning normally
• the fine people at Universal and Hammer films for all those glorious monster movies
• the inventor of pizza, and all those good people who continue the tradition, whether it be take out or frozen. Mmmm. Pizza....(drool)...
• the Brothers Grimm for their lovely tales
• and everyone else who has in some small way contributed to the many mental disorders I suffer from.

And now, for my one-year-from-now prediction: I will still be blogging away, but living in a isolated cabin in northern Montana, with very long hair and beard full of twigs and bugs, reeking of homemade Mountain Dew from my own distillery.

If you feel like making your own predictions, do so. Just click on the comment link below.

Thanks for reading, and keep up the good work. A sane world is not a world worth bothering with, so join in the mental-ness and celebrate in the Fundamental Incongruities of Existence!

-- El Dave --

An Unfinished Poem from Who Knows When?...

In the night,
A Chinese butterfly
Wa wa wa wa wah

In the night,
A Chinese butterfly
Wo wo wo wo woh

In the the day,
An Aussie cane toad
Ow ow ow ow oww

Yet MORE Blogthings ... Yeah, I'm Lazy ...

You Are Best Described By...

From the Lake, No. 1 by Georgia O'Keeffe

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

Your EQ is 100

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitude, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

You Are: 20% Dog, 80% Cat

You are are almost exactly like a cat. You're intelligent, independent, and set on getting your way. And there's no way you're going to fetch a paper for anyone!

Are You More Cat or Dog?

Saturday Morning Musings...

Random thoughts from a man suffering from too many (good!) cheeseburgers on another hot, muggy day...

• I love my BBQ grill. It is SWEEEEEEET...
  

• I'm going to Walmart today. Pray for me (and for my checking account balance)
  

• Thank goodness for running hot water and refrigeration. It never got this hot when I was a kid. Global warming is real, and its caused mostly by the BS spouted by politicians all over the world. Help save the earth! Shoot a politician or two. Now!
  

• I want to see Lady in the Water. But I am so lazy that I might not get to the theater. I've already missed MI:3 and X-Men 3. Wait until the DVD, that's my motto. Of course, it would help if the greedy theaters didn't charge $5.75 for a freakin' matinee. Back in my day, a 7 pm showing of a movie cost $5.00! (Yeah, I'm sounding like Grandpa Simpson now, I know it...)

• I really, really wish Barry Bonds would just go away. Enough, already! If being a egotistical, self-serving, good-for-nothing jerk was fattening, Barry would be the size of Jupiter.
  

• I like crashing cars. Hmm. I think I'll do that right now. Hee hee....
  

Idiot Americans

I don't know why I do this to myself. Why, oh why, do I turn on CNN? Within a minute I'm always frothing at the mouth at the idiotic, ostrich mentality of people.

This morning, it was Soda-Gag O'Boobbrains with some American woman who was evacuated from Israel/Lebanon and put on one of the cruise ships that have arrived to receive people trying to leave the conflict zone.

Basically, this woman stood there and complained to Soda-Gag about food, not being comfortable, blah blah blah, etc. Jeez, lady. Would you rather go back and get blown up by a Hezbollah missile? A few days of not having three-course meals, missing a shower or two and living in cramped conditions is a small price to pay to come out alive and with all your limbs intact... but apparently it's not good enough for her.

No wonder people can't stand Americans. Maybe she was from Louisiana. All they did was complain and expect everything to be handed to them, too.

Hey, why don't we send a cruise ship down to New Orleans, pick up all the people, and ship them TO the Middle East. The ones who don't die might come back with a little bit more appreciation.

Then again, they ARE Americans. They'd just bitch that the Israeli medics didn't serve them gumbo in the hospitals.

The Legend of Fatty Chacon, Pt. II

Well this is the story
of a man thought long dead
Who returned from the grave
because he smelled fresh bread

Fatty Chacon he did come
out from his piano case grave
His pale naked blubberiness
Staggered down a road not paved

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Back from the dead and hungry,
Fatty Chacon!

People screamed and people ran
so fast and hard as they could
"Fatty Chacon's come back to life,
oh Dear Lord why he should?"

Big naked Fatty going up and
down the supermarket aisles
Gorging himself silly nilly
Leaving huge wrappers in piles

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Can it get any better for
Fatty Chacon?

Then ol' Fatty Chacon got this
really bright, bright idea zork!
And so he stole a jumbo bus
and he drove it to New York

For in New York City you see
naked weirdos are quite common
And Fatty Chacon could go
about chow hunting with no problem

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Makes Rosie O'Donnell look anorexic
Fatty Chacon

So for quite some time life was
very good for Fatty Chacon
He found himself some overalls
and ate food until he groaned

But poor old Fatty was not
wise to the big cities ways
One tragic night he did call
an Italian mobster a fruity-gay

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Shoulda left them mobsters alone,
Fatty Chacon!

Fatty Chacon, dead again
yes dead again a second time
Now buried somewhere in Jersey
under garbage and slime

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Dead and full of bullet holes
Fatty Chacon

Blogthings...

You Are An Ash Tree

You are vivacious and impulsive, which makes you extremely attractive to many. Intelligent and demanding, you don't care much for criticism. You have a ton of ambition and talent, and sometimes money rules your heart. You like to play with fate, and you can be very egotistical and restless. Demanding of attention, you need love and a lot of emotional support.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are 60% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. You life is usually in order. However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

You May Be a Bit Dependent...

You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned. You need a lot of support in your life, at all times. It's difficult for you to survive on your own... And you don't reallly think you ever could.

What Personality Disorder Are You?

The Legend of Fatty Chacon

Now, gather 'round children
And listen to my song
It's the story of the Legend
of one Fatty Chacon

He lived in a trailer, down
By a grove of old oak trees
Didn't bother with clothes
Or an outhouse to take a pee

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Where did you get so much food
Fatty Chacon?

He sat on a beat up couch
Watched TV all the day long
Stuffed food down his throat
Belched and sang lots of songs

The flies they swarmed around
As he sat there in his stink
Never bothered to bathe
Or put dishes in the sink

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
How do you manage it,
Fatty Chacon?

Then one day Fatty got up
It was just a bit after one
He had the quaint idea
To run a marathon

Well poor Fatty didn't get far
According to all town lore
About five feet outside was all
Then poor Fatty was no more

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
What the hell were you thinking
Fatty Chacon?

They buried him in a field
Inside a grand piano case
This is the legend of Fatty Chacon
Largest of the human race

Fatty Chacon,
Fatty Chacon,
Who's gonna eat all the food now,
Fatty Chacon?

My New Wine

Yes, it's true. I've decided to branch out from gun-smuggling, drug distribution, and hits-for-hire to start my own line of wines. I figure, the way the world is going, everyone is going to be an alcoholic in six months, so why not cash in? But I'd like to go a little more high class than beer, the nectar of inbred hicks and rednecks.

So, I took my pocket change from my last dope deal and bought Alcatraz Island. That's right, I'm starting a winery on the remains of the world's most infamous island prison.

And in order to save on money and produce the best wine possible, I will grow my vines in the lower sections of the foundations where all the, uh, fertilizer is. Under heat lamps and with steroid injections (yeah, I bought out the rest of Barry Bond's juice, since I was in the SF area anyway) I shall bring forth my tasty crops.

I shall call it Merdo de Alcatraz, and sell it for $250.00 a bottle. But don't worry, I'm not French and I won't stoop to putting anti-freeze in it. Just pure Alcatraz.

Movies I Want to See Before I Die...

1. Forrest Grump - an elderly, special needs man goes around the local town hitting people with a box of chocolates and screaming profanities.
2. Battle Kattle: The Movie - animated movie based on the bovine transformers I came up with four or five years ago. Watch as giant mechanical cows do battle with each other for control of the Universe and the Great Udder.
3. Red Bull and the Irish-American Descendant: The Truth Behind the Great Utah Slaughter of 2006 - documentary. Pretty self-explanatory
4. A Bag of Argle Bargle - stand up comedy performed live from the Bonneville Salt Flats. Comedians will try to entertain their audience while being crapped on by seagulls in sweltering, 120 degree heat.
5. Bar Fly Soliloquies - another documentary. Uncut video of drunks in bars across America, sharing their pearls of inebriated wisdom with us.
6. Busty Pizza Angels, Part II - sounds like a porn flick, but it's not. It's a horror film about young pizza delivery boys and their awful experiences on Halloween night.
7. Who Wants to Disembowel Michael Moore? - a dark comedy, involving the fat left-wing slob himself and a disturbing game show.
8. The Sounds of Metallica - Musical. The four guys from Metallica attempt to recreate The Sounds of Music in their own unique way.
   

Saturday Anti Life Rant #1

Just when things were
starting to get along
Just when you felt
like singing a song

Along came life
and took a crap on you...
Don't take that shit
return the flavor favor

Take a crap on life!
Take a crap on life!
It's been asking for it
Time to give life the shit

You thought that maybe
that things were going well
Then came along life-ness
and started causing hell

It's time to take a squat
On life, whether it really
Likes it or not! Boo hoo!
It's time to crap on life!

Take a crap on life!
Take a crap on life!
It's what it deserves
Release your buttock reserves!

Everyone come on now
And take a crap on life!

Baby Kitty...

Sadly, this afternoon at about 2:30 pm, Carla and Bridget's sweet little Baby Kitty had to be put to sleep due to a very unfortunate illness.

She will be deeply missed. She was a scamp, a little mischievous furball, always happy and playful, and a truly sweet little cat.

My fondest memories of her are rubbing her belly while she purred away and I did battle with Carla and Bridget in games of Yahtzee. And Carla trying to concentrate on Rummy Cube while Baby Kitty sat in a chair behind her and "attacked".

It is never easy to say goodbye to a loved one. But I firmly believe and hope that we will see our animal friends again one day, to enjoy each other's company in happiness forever.

Until we see you again, Baby Kitty, have fun in Heaven sunning yourself in grassy fields, climbing trees, and playing with your friends. We miss you already and will remember you always.

A New Musical Side Project

While in some sort of pot, cheetos and Code Red induced coma last night, I decided to form yet another musical project to express my many mental instabilities.

The name of the new project is the Pirahna Vasectomy Cult, and the first single, Sergeant Bockenstein, will be out soon. Here's a sample of the witty, yet disturbing lyrics:

you bokking at me?!
you bokking at me?!
no way, home-chicken!
i'll bock your ass off!

no more squawking
no more trash talking
watch out now
sergeant bockenstein's
come a bokkin'

he be the ghetto-bock
he be the one to knock
off your chicken block
sergeant bockenstein...

Sunday Poeym of Payne

I'd like to buy the world a ekoC
But first in it I'll take a pee
'Cause yaBe is not behaving
So I'm gonna make everyone else
screamy-scream-scream

All of everything in life
Should have a bucket full of drugs
So when the fetching fetchers come
Their asses full of caps I'll plug
bang bang

So if you think life is fun and games
And flowers and candy too
I'll come in your house one night
In your soup I'll take a poo
Boo hoo!

(this poem-rant dedicated to thingBay, cheapComputer makers, and faggotbastard CEOs who died before receiving their well-deserved convictions!)

Have a nice day!

Blogthingging my Way to Hoko-Woko

You Are Most Like George W. Bush

So what if you're not exactly popular? You still rule the free world. And while you may be quite conservative now, you knew how to party back in the day!

What Modern US President Are You Most Like?

Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley "I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that phase Even your emotions had an echo In so much space"

What's Your 2006 Summer Anthem?

You Are Batman

Billionaire playboy by day. Saving the world by night. And you're not even a true superhero. Just someone with a lot of expensive toys!

What Superhero Are You?

You Should Travel to Thailand

You may enjoy getting spiritual at a Buddhist retreat... Or just feasting on a ton of cheap and amazing Thai food.

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

Your Pirate Name Is...

Cannibal Ian the Infected

What's Your Pirate Name?

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What Number Are You?

Cactus Daddy

booga booga ya ya
ooga ooga yo yo

i am the hard core
danish cactus smuggler
of modern ghetto lore

what the people want
i make sure they get
cactus plants, permanent

ya dig?

i'm the cactus daddy
all the euro-cacti you need
but for it you gotta bleed

and my lushy she want
me to give her what i got
my cactus ways make her hot

beg for it, girl!

don't mess with me
my cactus army
will kill you, no heed

bad bad cactus man
yeah you know it
it's where i am

cactus, cacti cactu
ook ook shaka
racka ooh ooh

you want it yeah
but my cactus plants
are too much for ya

i'll smuggle them all
cactus across the border
can't stop me, no order

i be the cactus daddy
you know it, oh yeah
i am the cactus king

got my booty baby
got my bling bling
gonna make her sing sing

cactus daddy gangsta
cactus daddy gangsta...

The Pain of a Thursday Morning

stayed up late last night
lying here in bed
looking for words
to say the things i left unsaid
wind at my window
whispers to me instead
and i lie alone
writing letters in my head

where you are, i am
through nights that never end
where you are, i am
in words i'll never send

walked alone last night
cold streets of could be anywhere
looking for words
to share the thoughts i could not share
road at my heels
takes me away instead
and i walk alone
writing letters in my head

where you are, i am
through streets that never end
where you are, i am
in words i'll never send

where you are, i am
through nights that never end
where you are, i am
in words i'll never send
never, never send

stayed up late last night
lying here in bed
still looking for words
still writing letters in my head

- Fates Warning

Sadistic Sims Strikes Again

Another picture of pain and suffering in the Sim World. Enjoy!

Another Blogthing ... Can You Dig It?

David Niles Mosher's Aliases

Your movie star name: Doritos David Your fashion designer name is David Budapest Your socialite name is Rusty Seattle Your fly girl / guy name is D Mos Your detective name is Shark Payson Your barfly name is Chips Vodka Your soap opera name is Niles 800 South Your rock star name is M&Ms Corvette Your Star Wars name is Davtig Moscar Your punk rock band name is The Resigned Magic Bean-Wonk Bone

The Amazing Meganame Generator