My Soul Room...

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll actually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Musings for an Upcoming Weekend...

Hello again, Children of the Broken Minds. It is I, Sir Slack-A-Lot. Yes, working two jobs and going to the gym takes away precious time from posting, blowing up things on my Xbox, and composing poems of unsurpassed beauty and lunacy.

• For those of you who think Utah is a conservative state, think again. We have one of the biggest red-light districts in the United States. Yeah, that's right! And it's located smack dab in the heart of "Happy Valley". To be more specific, it's the southbound I-15 freeway between south Provo and Spanish Fork. Thanks to: (1) Walmart located in nearby Springville and (2) the infinite number of jackasses who like to cut across three lanes at the very last second to get to the Walmart off-ramp, what should take all of two minutes takes twenty. And a lot of brake-stomping.

• While we're on the topic of drivers, I'd personally like to thank the goat-kissing whore heifer bitch cow who backed up traffic for about five miles by not getting out of the left lane when she wasn't passing people. Just putting down the road like no one else was there ... until you got into the lane right of her and sped up to get past her. Then she'd match your speed. I really hope her engine throws a cylinder right through her lungs.

• But all is not negative and unhappy. I get to manage our department at work for two weeks while the supervisor is away. And to top it off, there's a greenie in our department who is still basically clueless as to how things work. I foresee a lot of suffering for this person while I kick back and nap. Ah, sweet work place pleasures. Hard to come by, harder to resist passing up.

• I had a dream last night about me and my significant other. We, along with our cats, were the sole survivors of a giant world-wide tsunami that buried the entire earth with the exception of the mountain that we were standing on. How did we get there? Why, by some sort of flying carpet. Yeah, I'm not gonna lay off the late night pizza and chocolate milk. I just don't work that way.

Well, I'd write more, but it's off to drink more chocolate milk and watch a vampire flick. So I'll check back in again, sometime between now and when the earth falls into a giant intergalactic pit of rotting asparagus. Ta ta, children!

The Week in Review and Other Pearls of Wisdom

Hi there, fellow Green Grokking peoples of the earth!

I have stopped snorting dandelion and smarty-dust for long enough to compose a draft of my thoughts of the past week and whatever other great gems of incredible insight and massive intelligence that my cranium happens to belch forth.

• Monkeys with severe denture problems do not make good karaoke hosts or hostesses. Yet, dentures go very well with banana cream pie. Therefore, I can only conclude logically that banana cream pie and karaoke is a winning combination, while monkeys with dentures are not.

• I have decided to go on a spiritual quest to find the Great Bucket, and find the inner bucket-ness that has eluded me all these years. When and how the quest will begin, I am not sure yet.

• Lassie was a Communist spy dog.

• I have to remind everyone of the one of the great pearls of wisdom that my compadre in crime, the Monturf, said about a year ago: "When in doubt, be a jerk!" Wise words, my friends. Wise words. Take them to heart and you shall prosper.

• I very much want to take those two fruits from the Applebees commercials, douse them both in sulfuric acid, and toss them down a 400,000 ft. high cliff. Hmm. I am being informed that a 400,000 high cliff would be around 75 miles into the atmosphere. So what. I'll still figure a way to do it. I really, really, really can't stand those two singing malorkey-turkeys.

• Pat Riley has set the NBA back another 15 years. We were just starting to get over the damage done by the MJ decade and all the "Be Like Mike" wannabes who nearly destroyed all that was good in the league. Now, Pat Riley has shown us that the current state of the NBA is such that you can still take one great player, one has-been player, and a bunch of grocery bag boys and win a championship. And as we all know, monkey see, monkey do. So everyone will run out and start looking for the next Dwayne Wade, rather than building a team. So unfortunately, we are probably doomed to another long stretch of post up, half court isolation offenses that will assure the NBA's popularity plummets beneath NASCAR, the NHL, field polo, championship nudist checkers tournaments, and just sitting on a dirt road picking your nose.

• On the bright side, the NFL preseason is really not all that far away. And then the great goodness of life, that bastion of holy entertainment and comfort will once again be here for all us long suffering, mistreated and bitter men.

That's about all I can think of for now. But rest assured that I will write more sometime between now and when elephants the size of skyscrapers start falling into the English Channel.

Oh yeah, I also want to give a big shout out to my BBQ homies: My Little Stinkbug, the DQ and Monturf. Thanks for a fun Saturday!

Another Disturbing Product: only from the Mind of El Dave

With the recent acquisition of KY Jelly by the makers of Dinty Moore stew, a new era of really weird yet possibly quite useful combinations of love products and gourmet soups has emerged. Foremost of these products is sure to be the new D-Morkey Jellstu.

So when you're in the mood for love but she isn't quite there yet, there's no need to prolong all that tedious foreplay nonsense. Just break out a can of D-Morkey Jellstu, and you can both cut to the chase! D-Morkey Jellstu provides all the lotion for your motion on the ocean notions. Plus while the two of you are getting your freak on together, you'll be accompanied by the savory smells of freshly cooking stew.

And as an added bonus, of course, whatever D-Morkey Jellstu is left over after the lovin' is done can be popped into the microwave as an afterglow appetizer!

So whenever you are in the mood for that loving feeling, think of D-Morkey Jellstu products!

A Miracle Brain Cure

Are you tired of being outsmarted by your own brain? Do you feel humiliation and shame at night when you look in the mirror and realize at that very moment, your mind is conspiring against you? Is your love life suffering because every time your significant other wants to play, they can hear your brain laughing at you and calling you a limp noodle or dry cold muffin? Do your friends and co-workers laugh as you scream and howl in pain and frustration as you attempt to smash your mocking brain into silence by running into brick walls?

Worry, fret and cry no more. From the scientific research of Dr. Fritz von Skankenjohan comes an exciting new form of exercise sure to put your brain back under your control where it belongs! Introducing ... Squat Yoga!

Squat Yoga introduces the art of ancient Asian buttock-muscle clenching techniques originally used by monks who were struggling with severe constipation. Our special, limited edition package combines 13 CDs of relaxing new age music, scented herb candles and a special, leather bound chant book of Mongolian Sexual Grunting Hymns!

With Squat Yoga, you too can overcome your lifelong fears of your brain and enter into a brave new world where you control your brain and don't have to lay awake at night, wondering what it will do to you nexT!

Act quickly, before all the other paranoid suckers out there ... er ... customers buy up this amazing product! Call toll free at 1-800-MYBRAIN! Call now!

Blogthings (Again) Ha ha ha...

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor. You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader. Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical. With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you In love: You are picky but passionate To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

What's Your Dosha?

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful. You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

You Should Spend Your Summer in the Mountains

You're quiet, introspective, and a great thinker. You need a summer vacation that gets you away from the crowds and the heat. So retreat to the mountains, where you can clear your head.

Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

You Are 36% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control. Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

How Obsessive Are You?

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Firestorm

Exotic Dancer Name Generator

Week in Review

I know I haven't written in the past five or six days, and the vast throng of my loyal readers out there are sorely disappointed. Not to mention groveling in darkness and boredom without the rays of insanity flowing freely forth from my Mind.

But never fear, my Mental Children! I am still here. I just had to recover from a severe case of Gurgling Sinus Rat Fever during the past week, and so my abilities were limited.

Nonetheless, even in my deluded and stoned state, I found some pearls of great wisdom and random thoughts of Ook. Enjoy them.

• My worst fears have been realized, and the Miami Sludge Geezers ... er ... Heat, are turning the Finals into an Eastern Conference style snooze fest. Shame on them! May the manufacturer of the hair gel used by Pat Riley start using rancid yak snot as its main ingredient, and may Shaq be kneecapped by angry pygmies from Africa.

• "The One" on ABC looks lamer than the Dick Vitale Christmas Jubilee Sing-a-Long extravaganza.

• Fireworks and front-seat footsie is a wonderful late night date activity. Don't ask me how I know, I don't footsie and tell! Nyah!

• Wandering around Walmart with your Spirit Twin and a mentally ill person in a wheelchair who believes he is the rightful ruler of Russia is a great Saturday activity for wrecking people's minds.

• What's this about Queensryche getting arrested in Amsterdam for smuggling illegal firearms? You'd think a bunch of left-wing tree-huggers wouldn't have anything so much as resembling a slingshot on their persons. Then again, after the abominable Q2k, the lean years probably left them all deeply in debt.

• I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Just wanna sit here and dream of camping. I'm really not looking forward to training a new person, either. Makes the days and weeks DRAG ...
  

• Drinking Red Bull and a 24oz bottle of Code Red on the same day isn't a good idea unless you want to stay up really late muttering to yourself about nudist leprechaun colonies in Singapore. On the plus side, I smoked a bunch of Fritos before going to bed and I dreamed of ... whatever it is that I dreamed about.

• I don't want to hear the names Brad and Angelina in the same sentence. Ever. Again. On the plus side, this whole idiotic affair promises to rehabilitate the economies of all African nations, as the continent becomes the "It" places for celebrities to go give birth to their illicit love children.

• I really want to take a trip with Carla down the freeway on a giant hovercraft, eating Oreo shakes and whipping rotten goose eggs at rude motorists.

• Watching Shaq try to shoot free throws is like watching a blind, handless person trying to paint an accurate replica of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Very pointless and painful.

• Got my computer fixed (finally). After spending almost $400 on a new case, power supply and cooling fans, I found the whole issue was with a defective switch on my UPS. Oh well. I like my new case. I should have known not to buy anything but an Antec tower in the first place, but I've learned my lesson.
  

And now, off to flop around naked on the lawn for a while... ta ta ....

06-06-06

Yes, it's Devil Day. So of course I couldn't possibly pass up this chance to celebrate by ... um, having a head cold and coughing up my lungs all over the floor. Well, I guess that qualifies as sick, but not quite evil. Not unless I was intentionally coughing up my insides on a friend's wedding cake in order to ruin everything and sentence the couple to a lifetime of marital therapy.

Hmm.

I am listening to a CD of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner attempting to sing, and that is pretty dang evil. And I watched half of Anthrax's "Music of Mass Destruction: Live from Chicago" concert DVD. That's evil.

No, the day I am worried about it 09-09-09, the INVERSE Devil Day. That's when it will all fall apart, because there will be no buckets left to save the earth, and the Thirteen Lobster People of the Apocalypse will go clacking across the sky, spreading doom, disease and doggy diapers all over the earth.

Now, you'll have to excuse me. I'm baking a salamander soul soup salad.

Yet More Blogthings

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Gettin' humped at the pump

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Hey! It's nobody's business what me and the Stinkbug Girl are doing at the gas station while the tank fills!

Your Emoticon is Cool

You're not feeling particularly up or down, just relaxed and calm. You're ready for whatever is going to happen next!

What Emoticon Best Represents You Right Now?

Ice, ice, blah blah.

Your Love Style is Manic

For you, love is the ultimate rollercoaster And you love to hold on tight and enjoy the ride Every time you fall in love, it feels like the first time And while it's exciting and exhilarating... It's also stressful and scary!

What's Your Love Style?

No comment here. :-P

You Are Vanilla Ice Cream

Your personality is anything but "vanilla" You're a risk taker, who's up for anything new. You go well with anyone and fit into any situation. You are most compatible with rocky road ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Huh, I'm vanilla but anything but vanilla? Me no understand. Oh well, time for some of that tasty Raw Horseflesh ice cream. :-)

El Dave Investigates ... The Bob Wizard Project

While out frolicking in the woods with Carla this past weekend, she and I came across some disturbing finds.

Carla, you see, has a nose for Objects of Forbidden Mystery, and always seems to be stumbling across things that endanger people's lives, health and mental well-being. (And I'm proud of her for her aptitude for the Uber-Weird, too!)

We came across this disturbing firepit arrangement, and the aura of Dark Mystery and
Psycho Chicken Powers were definitely upon it. Then, a few yards up the path, we found a small hut that had been constructed and lay empty. Again, the Paranormal Powers of Poultry were definitely here.

(and yes, I do think the PPP somehow ties in with the rare whooping spotted forest chicken somehow ... and that investigation is a whole 'nother story...)

So, once the little expedition was over, I came home and started doing research from various tomes of the occult and mega-disturbing that I have collected over the years, since I was about two years old and was taking apart drinking fountains with a plastic wrench, looking for invisible Yeti.

I have come to the conclusion that the site Carla and I came across are the remnants of a once active cult, known as the Cult of the Bob Wizard.

Bob the Wizard was born Robert Wojochawski deep in the Ozark forests in the mid 1950's to his father Stefano and his mother Leprig. And as is the case in so many children born in the Ozarks, his parents were also technically his aunt and uncle. And their parents also were brothers and sisters who were in the habit of sharing the haytime pastime, and their parents' parents, and their parents' parents' parents, and .... well, you get the picture.

So by the time poor Robert was born, a lot of genetic defects had been introduced into the Wojochawski family line. And so Robert was born with many problems. In particular, he was born with a third eye just below his belly button. And of course, this led to many public humiliations and social exclusion. Finally, as a grown and bitter man, Robert became Bob the Wizard and sought out the powers of Darkness through bizarre rituals in the Uintah forests. Channeling paranormal powers through his mentor, the Squirrel Shaman Sook-Sook (of whom very little is known), Bob became well versed in all the occult, mystic powers that the forest has to offer.

Soon, he was joined by many others who were the result of many generations of unholy brother-sister breedings, who suffered from a variety of socially unacceptable ills, both mental and physical. And the Cult of the Bob Wizard was born.

For a time, the cult lived happily in the forest, communing with each other and learning from their Dark Forest Master. However (as is the case in most cults, and particularly one with so many people with such a variety of very odd problems) contention broke out. And so on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month of the thirteenth year of the cult's existence, a mass riot broke out that left all but three of the cult members dead. It was believed that the survivors traveled south somewhere between Mona and Nephi, where they began recruiting breeding partners to raise up seed unto their Dark Master Bob. (It would definitely explain the people who live in Nephi, Mona and surrounding communities such as Goshen and Levan.)

Thusly, a second cult has emerged from the children born from the surviving disciples known as the Followers of the Bob Wizard. They do not generally live in the forests, engage in breeding rituals on mossy rocks, or snort ground acorn dust. Rather, once or twice a year, they head into the hills and perform remembrance ceremonies in behalf of their dead ancestors and the Bob Wizard, leaving offerings of beer cans, tobacco and discarded ATV tires. The cult is not considered a threat as much as a public nuisance, as most of them are quite dim witted and not fond of the finer points of personal hygiene.

This concludes another edition of El Dave Investigates.

More Freak Show Friday Programming on Court TV

Imagine. A world that is in perpetual darkness and cold. Where large angry beasts rummage through your garbage in the dead of night. Where fire is a precious commodity and ice is cheap. Imagine this world now, corrupt with sin, greed and malice. Local mafiosos trade in matches, kerosene and black powder like their Sicilian counterparts trade in money laundering, prostitutes, drugs and guns. Depraved local schoolteachers hand out frozen fish in exchange for sexual favors from grade school students. And local politicians claim they are helpless to stop the spreading stain of crime on their local communities.

Introducing, Kujo Kojak Kohotek: Polar P.I. Where others fear to tread, this part Eskimo, part Japanese Sumo wrestler former police officer goes without hesitation. Recently fired from the Papa New Guinea vice force for mysterious reasons, 3-K as he is known, has returned to stomp out evil doers in his ancestral homeland. He will hunt down the local fire traders. He will perform excessively violent genital surgeries on immoral teachers with a harpoon and a chain link rope. He will feed the carcasses of politicians to hungry polar bears.

So stay tuned for Kujo Kojak Kohotek: Polar P.I. Following the hit reality game show, "How Not To Get Caught, Dumbass!"

Yet Another Song of Pain! and Paranoia!

the moose and the goose
they are against me
i stand here in the rain
without a bucket, in pain

i am oppressed by everything
massive bucket conspiracies
space and time collide to
harm my bucketless mind

the ancient turtles of lal
cosmic bouncing rubber balls
they too are trying to destroy
my mind and bowl of soup

where is the bucket when
i have sought for it most
instead i am laying naked
in a field full of potted roast

won't someone save me
bring me the bucket i need
unless you really just want me
to cough my ears off into trees

the moose and the goose
they are against me...