Rainy Wednesday Morning Musings...

Things my brain are contemplating this fine, soaking wet spring morning...

• Is that stupid Love Monkey show still on TV? And if it is, why?!
  
• I think that Goat Hill Grove (aka Pleasant Grove) is about to be overtaken by hyperactive cybernetic marmots
• a cat's shedding is directly proportionate to the lightness or darkness of the clothes you happen to be wearing when in proximity to said cat
• I wonder if Carla has seen the thing about the student living at Walmart for 41 hours, and I'm wondering if I have enough money to bail her out of the county jail when she tries it herself
• the day will come when I shall feast upon the bones of those who oppress me and my wonderful goals in life, assuming that the Fat Stinky Wolves don't get me first
• a ten pound frozen watermelon is a wonderful gift for Mother's Day
• artichoke and cloves soup is wonderful for clearing your sinuses and keeping yourself date-free
• here's a winning duet for you: Henry Rollins and Sarah Brightman singing "Inna Gadda Da Vida"
• remember to cast your vote in favor of the oppressed members of the Cult of Lobster currently living in the hills just above Panguitch
• do not, under any circumstances, name your poor child Randy Ho

Have a great day, and stay away from shark fin salesman named Demetrius!

I Love It!

Not a single number one seed in the Final Four this year. Beautiful. Especially not having Jim Calhoun and UConn around. It just brings a big, big smile to my face and my heart.

Congratulations to Florida, George Mason, UCLA and LSU. This weekend will be a great one for college basketball, especially with no media darlings left for the hype-meisters to slobber over.

Oh, wait. Dickie V is babbling about George Mason now. Can't anyone shut that moron up?! On behalf of college basketball fans everywhere, someone, please file a restraining order against Dick Vitale. He must stay at least 500 miles away from basketball games, microphones and TV cameras at all times...

Thoughts for a Brisk, Sunny Sunday

Went for a walk this afternoon. It's still fairly cold outside, a slight breeze blowing. Of course, being me, I didn't wear a sweater or anything of the sort. It's taking a while to type anything, as my fingers have gone rather numb.

But it's really nice, a beautiful early spring day. The air is clean and you can see for a long, long ways into the mountains west of my house. The sun is out, color is coming back into the grass and trees ... argh, I need to stop. I'll give myself cabin fever to the point I won't be able to get myself to go to work tomorrow.

Days like these, I wish I could just pack up, head out into the desert and never be heard from again. Days like these, I could live alone forever and I'd be perfectly content. Just the sounds of the wind rustling through the sage, birds singing, and no human-made sounds whatsoever. Alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Yeah, I'd better stop it now before I really do take off...

Yeah, more Blogthings! Deal with it!

You Are 16% Happy

You know that there's more to life than how you've been living it. Life can be rough at times, but most of your unhappiness is self-inflicted.

How Happy Are You?

Your Quirk Factor: 70%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal. No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

You Are Olive Green

You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself. For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself. You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you. People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know.

What Color Green Are You?

I Protest!!!, Vol. 2

Due to popular demand, here's another list of things that offend me, make me angry, or I simply feel the need to complain about!

• SUV's
• SUV drivers
• the apparent correlation between brothers and sisters having intercourse and the (de) evolution of SUV drivers
• Hugo Chavez
• Cuban-cigar smoking monkeys that won't share with me
• people who don't listen to my extensive list of demands
• paperwork
• that moronic beer "stuntman" who, rumor has it, is the unfortunate result of a thing his mother had for sheep as a young woman
• The Matrix movies
• the smell of brussell sprouts, asparagus, broccoli and chard
• old people who own technology but don't know how to use it
• commercials that use popular songs to promote their product
• non-boneless chicken
• Paris Hilton's bony, anorexic little botox face
• my ninth grade PE instructor
• CDs that get released overseas but I have to wait two years to get it at a domestic price
• Dennis the braindead multimedia instructor
• whoever designed those Capri Sun packages - try getting the straw where it goes without it blowing up!
• horseflies
• meterologists
• the Paysetters and their feeble attempts to raise money, not for the drill team, but so they can get breast enhancements and then go out and hump Eskimo firefighters (they only go for big giant milk bins, you know!) in alleys behind porno theaters in Ely, Nevada
• the fact that I have to stop complaining and go to work now

I Protest!!! Day

Another Tuesday night, another work week with no end in sight. The dark leprechauns of my inner boiling rage cauldron are ever creeping further upward into my consciousness, demanding that my seething fury be unleashed! And so, in the proud tradition of Bite Me! day that I introduced last fall, I give you a new holiday, March 23rd ...

I Protest!!! Day. That's right. Protest! Make your sniveling, whining, moaning complaints heard! Deprive no one of the right of having to listen to your howls about the inherent suckiness of life, the universe, and everything in it!

Therefore ... I protest the following:

• the bastards who convinced me going to school (and student loans) were a good thing, thus leading me down the dark path to working two jobs
• Jimmy Kimmel
  
• country music
• skim milk
• socks made from penguin intestines
• that damned whistle from the Andy Griffith show
• dress ties
• wireless internet connections
• those hideously monstrous Oregon Ducks uniforms
• Sharon Osbourne
• broccoli
• ESPN's sick, demented fascination with the World Series of Poker
• the fact that the brain-scan VCR has not yet been invented
• brie cheese
• BYU coeds
• self-righteous sheep herders from the Yucatan
• environmentalist freaks
• cellphones
• hip-hop music
• Europe
• the Olympics
• those stupid seals they put on CD jewel cases that never peel off cleanly
• gas prices
• La Verkin, Utah
• narcissistic conversationalists
• the IRS
• Desperate Housewives
• flatulent flying buffalo
• rednecks
• the Beatles
• insomnia
• political correctness
• cheerleaders
• Dick Vitale

More protests are on the way, but it's time for me to soak my head in a bucket of rancid Taiwanese porridge and let my mind cool down.

Great Quote

I don't know who came up with this, but it's a wonderful quote and a great approach to dealing with people and life in general:

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you are a mile away and you have their shoes."

Brilliant!

Thoughts on the Week

Due to an illness that just won't go away, plus a severe case of I-don't-feel-like-it-anyway, I haven't been posting much. Not like that's a blow to the well being of the Universe. Probably the opposite, in fact. Less Dave would be a good thing for everybody.

Too bad, boo-hoo. I'm back. Until I collapse into another semi-conscious haze under a barrage of cold medicines, anyway.

Here goes:

• NCAA men's tournament. Would you like some basketball with your commercials? Seriously. I've heard the NCAA makes six billion dollars in revenue off the tournament. Maybe that's not quite right. It's just that CBS shows six billion commercials during March Madness. Enough is enough. Next year I'll have a DVR and I won't put up with this crap.
• Speaking of which, it doesn't matter who wins the tournament as long as UConn and their exceptionally arrogant piece of crap coach gets knocked off at some point. Kentucky losing would be nice, too.
• Getting a woman to accept a sincere compliment is like shooting down an aircraft with a potato gun and frozen donuts. Theoretically, it's possible, but pretty unlikely.
  
• The new Amorphis album is getting its first spin right now, and my initial impression is that it's the best thing they've done in since Elegy.
• Dallas and T.O. deserve each other.
• In order to overcome my blogwriter's block, maybe it's time to go into seclusion in a remote desert for fifteen years or so, and ponder the meaning of life while sitting naked on an anthill. Perhaps being eaten alive from the inside out would help me find some ranting inspiration...

And now, I wish you all a happy and hydrophobic goat free Sunday. Ta ta!

Crop Circle Mysteries Revealed!

Watching a bit of National Geographic this evening, came across an episode about crop circles. Interesting phenomena, these doo-dads. Are they all man-made? Something to do with UFO's? Government conspiracies? Angels? Or something more mundane, like flatulent cattle in the fields at night or rancid pesticides and weird after-effects?

My theory is a combination. It involves UFO's, but their reasons for crop circles has nothing to do with religion, cults, navigation, or anything of that nature.

Nope, crop circles are simply roadside advertising spots, as it were. Like the ones we see everyday along the freeway on the way to work. Except they are intended for the interstellar traveler.

"Buy forty-three squoods of mork-pork, and get five percent off your next tentacle grooming at Gerspazi-9's!"

"Do you suspect your flying saucer mechanic is having an affair with an Earthling? Call Oook-Char Investigative Services now!"

"Get your chromed-butt waste receptacle it's shiniest with Fizz-Bah Spray! Never be ashamed to have your neighbors over for farking night again!"

And so forth. Sorry to let all you extra-terrestrial cultists down. Even aliens have to do with the Ultimate Reality in this Universe: Economics and Taxes.

Still Alive ... I think

Yes, I am still alive. Even though I haven't posted in a week, I am still here. I think. Lately it feels more like I am fading in and out of alternative realities, weird funky colors and slightly scented dementia attacks.

What I have discovered in my current brain-state:

• life really is like a cheap discount bucket
• good advice is readily available and hard to digest
• snow on the road is a convenient excuse to cause your own death without making anyone suspicious
• fruit loops and vodka don't go together really well unless you've had a lot of the latter first
• no one really cares how you feel, they have their own problems anyway, so ... more vodka
• Jimmy Carter and Robert Plant own a bean plantation in Nova Scotia
• upgrading your alien death ray is one of those rare moments of true pleasure in life
• Monday will always come around again, so why bother being happy on Friday anyway?
  

This is True...

You Are Olde English

Drinking is more than a hobby for you. It's your favorite drug. When you drink, you want to get wasted. As quickly and cheaply as possible. Looking back on your best times drinking... well, you don't remember them at all. You may be a few brain cells short, but you still can chug a 40!

What's Your Beer Personality?

I Am....

You Are Dr. Pepper

You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you. People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do. Your best soda match: Root Beer Stay away from: 7 Up

What Kind of Soda Are You?

Quiz Time for Dave

A Relatively Fun Quiz

1)Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4:

Barnabas. (Not going to say what book, I'll let all of you GUESS! Ha ha!)

2)Stretch your left arm out as far as you can and see what you touch:

My bedroom window.

3) What is the last thing you watched on TV?

NBA game. Suns vs Mavs.

4) Without looking, guess what time it is.

5:25

5) Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

6:13. Damn. Monday is closer than I thought.

6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

The TV, my mom washing dishes.

7)When did you last step outside?

About six hours ago, getting back from church. Yeah, I do go to a church, and they even let me in the building. Must be nice people. :-)

8)Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

Randomly surfing blogs on Blogspot. Hey, it's Sunday, I'm trying to be good and not smoke some of my old gym socks, so...

9) What are you wearing?

I'm sure the Halloween Queen would like to know. ;-)

10) Did you dream last night?

Science tells us we dream every night, at least, if we are somewhat mentally healthy. I just don't remember any of them.

11) When did you last laugh?

Last night, in a car, with a girl. ;-)

12) What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Uh, a picture of me, Carla and the Monturf with the Soviet flag and bottles of root beer. Also, a sweet poster of lightning in the desert. A picture of St. Homer.

13) Seen anything weird lately?

My face. I had to comb my hair this morning.

14) What do you think of this quiz?

It's fun. I like these sorts of exercises in pointless information disemination.

15) What is the last movie you saw?

The theatrical version of Ingmar Bergman's film "Fanny and Alexander". It's very good, but the original five hour version is even better.

16) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

Well, I'd be a good little boy and pay my tithing (yes, I actually do that, and no, I'm not brainwashed. I just try to show a little appreciation now and then...) Pay off my debts. Then, give some of it to my parents, sisters and their families, my uncles. Give some to my friends.
Then, oh yeah ... I'd buy a big chunk of land up in the Seattle area, by the coast or Sound. Build my dream house. Not huge and elaborate, just enough for me and my stuff (and maybe one or two other people.) Uh ... I would have the most sweeeetest home entertainment system money could buy, with large cabinets for all the DVDs I would buy. I'd buy a really nice customized Toyota pickup. (Screw SUVs and Hummers!) And a '78 Corvette Shark. And of course, some really nice professional level digital cameras, lenses and accessories. And I'd stay there, by myself, watch movies, read books, take nice long hikes into my wonderful rainforest every day, take photos, naps, and let the world pass me by without notice. (You can tell I've thought about this for a while...)

17) Tell me something about you that I don't know.

I told my sixth-grade teacher (to his face) that if someone kicked him in the butt he'd have brain damage.

18) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

People's selfishness. It's the root of 99% of our problems, individually and as communities, societies and the world in general.

19) Do you like to dance?

Only on Halloween with my Spirit Twin.

20) George Bush? Do I like him?

Not really. He's the lesser of two evils (who the hell wants a moron like John Kerry in office?!) but Bush's inability (and unwillingness) to bring in competent, rational, moderate individuals around him is disgusting.

21) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Uh ... hmm. Ericka. Or Lindsay.

22) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Moostafalavagovich. Moosta for short. I'm sure he'll hate me. :-)

23) Would you ever consider living abroad?

Mmmmm .... probably not. For all it's problems, America still has a lot of great things going for it. And it's home.

24) What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

Hell's already full, so I guess we'll have to take you. Just try not to steal all the good silverware and make weapons out of them.

An Ode of Payne to My Unappreciated Rootle-Shakrings

As I awoke this morning, after a fitful night of non-sleep, twisted dreams of betrayal by friends, and harsh, twisted love which dements my soul, I have decided to favor all of you with some more of my lovely poetry, in the finest tradition of the Vogons.

Ahem ... here goes....

Ach! Life, mottled beast
which doth in musted corners
Mock mine waking-ness
with horrible purgle-gargles

I beseech thine inplurtitudes
that hover in thick green-ness
Over my frooted ovals
denying the tastiness thereof

For she has denied me of
her lushing meadows
My love has denied mine
rootle-shakrings once again

And with cold par-doogles
spurned my fecklish zizbobbers
Oh how carniskums and rancid
buckets of pain-gof infest me

Forsootheth it me therefore
to evermore say wherefore
I shall no more groogle
nor baga-baga for her skookies

Hence I declare my fezkings
that all life is one giant grokking
And better it is to inhale dergle-chais
than to have mine rootles squinked...

If My Skull is Cracked Open ...

You Are 56% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

The Lobster Obsession Puzzle

(lobster images taken from unknown sources, I admit I'm too lazy to go down to the local seafood place and snap some shots)

"What is it with lobsters?" certain of you have asked me on more than one occasion. I won't answer that question directly, but perhaps this photo will help those certain people to understand ... or maybe simply confuse them that much more. Either way, ha ha! I win. :-)

I'm a Big Fat Gumby!

You Should Weigh 220

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight. If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!

How Much Do You Weigh?

I guess my metabolism is still fast ... I'm not near 220. Hee hee. (knock on wood)