Today marks the passing of the Haunted House Review Crew web site. There are a lot of mixed feelings about it. It is not easy for the Halloween Queen, who started it and ran it for I don't know how many years, see it go. She put a lot of time, work, effort and dedication into it.
It's never a very happy thing to see a site dedicated to the Greatest of all Holidays go away, but in this case and these circumstances, there are important reasons for why it happened and why it is a good thing. And of course, in the future, the Halloween Queen may yet bring another wonderful site up to instruct us and teach us in the ways of the Hallowed Halloween.
The HHRC was the first place I ever posted any of my maniacal, disturbed rantings and for that I must thank the Halloween Queen. Without her, I don't think this blog would be here. I would not have gotten the idea.
There was just a lot of really cool and nifty stuff on the site, ranging from costume photos, to general rants and dream analysis, to the reviews of various Haunted Houses and the such. It was a very unique site, run by a very unique individual.
Well, I could ramble on and on ... but I will just say rest in peace to the Haunted House Review Crew, we will always remember you with fond memories.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
HHRC ... RIP
Monday, January 30, 2006
Night at the Monturf's...
Here's a short rundown of the things of Great Evilness running through my brain whilst spending my evening at the Monturf's....
- There's a great need for a pasta place that doubles as a law firm. Italian mobsters will love it. Haven't figured out a good name for it, but the Monturf and I want to put it down on Center Street between 5th West and University.
- As I watched ads on Court TV tonight, I saw another one of those ridiculous "precious memories" type of things for small kids. This one was making a cast of their footprint. Oh, puh-leeze. Well, as long as we are immortalizing every last freakin' moment of the little drool-bug's existence ... this is what my brain came up with: "Our Baby's First Diaper Doo-Doo". Yeah, that's right. Now you can show off little junior's first butt offerings to your family, friends and co workers. The diaper, along with the ... ah... leavings, shall be forever preserved in a small 2'x2' glass case box, along with the time, date and location of the occurrence etched in the display glass. The sad thing is ... living in Baby Farmer Valley ... we'd probably make money off of this.
- I don't watch American Idol, but I think a good shake up is in order anyway. Replace the current judges (yes, even Simon!) with: Andy Rooney, a Polynesian chieftain from an obscure South Pacific island, and Bridget. (Yeah, Carla, that Bridget!... the one who's been mangling your Sim games...)
Quotes, Factoids and Mutterings for Jan. 30
Quote of the Day: "I've got ... a dwarf, and I'm not afraid to use him!" - Viktor Van Dort
Today in History:
- 1835 - President Andrew Jackson, the seventh president of the United States, survived the first attempt against the life of a U.S. President, when shots were fired in the U.S.
- 1862 - The USS Monitor was launched at Greenpoint, Long Island.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler became chancellor of Germany.
- 1933 - The first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.
- 1968 - The Vietcong launched the Tet offensive against South Vietnamese cities.
- 1969 - The Beatles made their last public appearance together, on the roof of their Apple Studios in London.
- 1972 - In Londonderry, Northern Ireland, 13 unarmed civil rights demonstrators were shot dead by British Army paratroopers, a day later known as "Bloody Sunday."
- 1882 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States of America
- 1948 - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, political and spiritual leader of the Indian independence movement, assassinated in New Delhi by a Hindu fanatic.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
More Blog Things Again, Ha Ha...
Your Taste in Music: |
| 90's Pop: High Influence |
| Heavy Metal: High Influence |
| Progressive Rock: High Influence |
| 80's Alternative: Medium Influence |
| 80's Rock: Medium Influence |
| Classic Rock: Medium Influence |
| 80's Pop: Low Influence |
| 90's Alternative: Low Influence |
| Adult Alternative: Low Influence |
| Alternative Rock: Low Influence |
| Your Hillbilly Name Is... |
 |
| Your Superhero Profile |
 Your Superhero Name is The Thunder Justice Your Superpower is Gadgets Your Weakness is Cotton Candy Your Weapon is Your Mind Shield Your Mode of Transportation is Rainbow |
| Who Should Paint You: M.C. Escher |
 Open and raw, you would let your true self show for your portrait. And even if your painting turned out a bit dark, it would be honest. |
| Your Love Life Secrets Are |
 Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. Your logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over. |
| You Are 40% Weird |
 Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it! |
| Your Band Name is: |
 |
Thursday, January 26, 2006
New Immigration Rules...
This is just unbelievable, and reaffirms my idea that we should have a national "Lawyer Slaughter" week every year in this country, in which one may blow up, stab, shoot, poison or otherwise cause permanent non-life upon the personages of individuals practicing law in America.
According to Mr. Michael Feldenkrais, attorney for one deported Argentine porn star, an individual's "assets" are enough reason for them to be allowed to enter the United States. Hey, hoochies have to work too, right?
In other words, if you have huge boobs and/or a tight butt, you should be entitled to bypass all sorts of laws that other, hardworking intelligent individuals can be waiting for years to obtain.
Following his argument of T&A qualifications, I suppose Anna Nicole Smith, not Judge Alito, will be the next Justice of the Supreme Court...
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Quotes, Factoids and Mutterings for Jan. 25
Quote of the Day: "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. " - Frank Zappa
Today in History:
- 1915 - Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service.
- 1925 - The first Winter Olympics opened at Chamonix in the French Alps
- 1971 - Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of murder and conspiracy in the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate
- 1947 - Al Capone, American gangster
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Quotes, Factoids and Mutterings for Jan. 24
Quote of the Day: "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one." - Homer Simpson
Today in History:
- (1848) James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of '49
- (1908) The first Boy Scout troop was organized in England by Robert Baden-Powell
- (1964) The first "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit issue was published
- (1978) A nuclear-powered Soviet satellite plunged through Earth's atmosphere and disintegrated, scattering radioactive debris over parts of northern Canada.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Court TV Inspiration is Back!!!!
Over at the Monturf's this evening... and what did I find? Why, that Court TV is showing new episodes of Cops, Forensic Files, the Investigators ... it's a dream come true. A great deal of my most bizarre and disturbed ideas and thoughts were gleaned from these glorious and holy programs late last spring and into mid-summer. Until finally and sorrowfully, we'd hit re-run time. But of course, that was around when football season kicked in, and so it was ok...
But now, it's back. And just in time. The Super Bowl will be over in two weeks, and then what? Making good use of my time? Acts of kindness and decency? No! I shall not submit to such abject depravity!
So, watching Beach Cops (San Diego) tonight, we were treated to drunken and stoned pot heads urinating in public parks, boats getting stuck underneath bridges, and scantily dressed beach bimbos getting busted for underage public drinking. Not too shabby. And it inspired me to overhaul the California state flag! Behold, the true reflection of the Golden State....
Oh yeah, and me and the Monturf came up with some new innovations and renovations to law enforcement and the judicial system. It's called: Global Swather Justice Initiative, or GSJI. The premise is quite simple. Whenever a crime is committed, the area where it occurred, along with a five to ten-mile radius surrounding the area, will be destroyed by a small robotic spider carrying a portable hydrogen bomb.
In this manner, we are pretty sure that somewhere in the smoldering rubble, the actual perpetrator lies dead. Along with a whole bunch of other people. And if the crime monkey has somehow already left the area, don't worry. We have plenty more bomb-toting cyborg spiders...
Quotes and Thoughts for the Day
Quote of the Day: "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams
Today in History:
- (1556) An earthquake in Shanxi Province, China, is believed to have killed some 830,000 people
- (1973) President Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War
- (1832) Edouard Manet - French impressionist painter
4:30 am Spoutings...
| You Are 40% Abnormal |
 You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
| You Are a Retrospective Soul |
 The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul |
| What Your Face Says |
 At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable. Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem like a huge flirt. In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody. |
Sunday, January 22, 2006
The 34-17 Blues...
Oh, I gots da blues...
The 34-17 blues...
Jake the Snake, He made a lotta mistakes
And the defense couldn't
Tackle a blind man In concrete shoes
Oh, I gotsa da blues...
Now, I am surprised the Steelers won? No. Am I surprised it was by 17 points? Yeah, I am. I thought this would be a very close game, but Denver got their butts handed to them, basically from the first snap. I've defended Jake Plummer for a long time, but I can't do it any more. Jake is basically a serviceable quarterback. You could do much worse than him. But you will never win a Super Bowl with Jake Plummer. He just doesn't have that "it" that it takes.
I was concerned much more with the Pittsburgh passing game, and Hines Ward in particular, than I was with the Steeler running game. Of course, Denver's defense spent most of the game on the field, so while they didn't exactly play the way they are capable of, it wasn't all their fault. Once again, come playoff time, Denver's offense fell to pieces.
I don't begrudge the Steelers winning. It's long overdue for a good coach, Bill Cowher, who has taken a lot of (understandable) heat for past post-season meltdowns. And I do see the Steelers beating whoever comes out of the NFC. But the Steelers also benefit greatly from the fact that there are no dominant teams in the NFL, particularly this year.
So, for my Broncos post-mortem, here are my thoughts:
- Denver needs to get some wide receivers who can consistently get open and get downfield. Rod Smith is a wonderful player, but he's over thirty-five and is a possession, eight or nine yards per catch average receiver. Ashley Lelie is injury-prone, inconsistent and probably would be a fourth or fifth wideout on a lot of other teams. Problem is, all the other WRs on the Broncos are just as bad.
- With Gary Kubiak going to Texas, it's pretty sure that OL coach Rick Dennison will follow. It's also rumored that center Tom Nalen will retire. Two major blows to the line, and probably the biggest issue Denver will have in the offseason
- Denver needs to get some more speed at the safety position. I like John Lynch. He's a tough, hard, smart player. But his covering skills were average at best at the peak of his career, and he's way past that now. If he is going to keep starting, Denver sorely needs to get someone opposite him at the other safety position who can do a better job of coverage.
- Denver needs to start grooming another QB. From what I saw of backup Bradlee Van Pelt, he's far too raw and inaccurate to be considered anything better than a third string backup.
- Running back is actually a concern. Tatum Bell is really not good for more than ten to twelve carries a game, and Mike Anderson will be thirty-three years old. Ron Dayne is suitable as a backup and spot runner, but the Broncos really, really need an upgrade at this position. Rumor has it the Broncos may look into Ricky Williams' availability in the offseason. Well ... I suppose at this point, it's worth trying.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Rosie O'Donnell Sighting
In a desperate attempt to revive her dead career as an actress, entertainer and lesbian spokescreature, Rosie O'Donnell was desposited in front of the Japanese embassy in Berlin by her erstwhile lemmie supporters...
Oh, wait. They're telling me that it was actually another Greenpeace protest against whaling. Well, I'm not against taking care of the earth, just against the clownish buffoons masquerading as "environmentalists". Please. Most of them are a bunch of dope-addled college dropouts looking for an excuse to get laid by other dope-addled college dropouts while wearing skanky clothes a homeless person would turn down, smoke more dope, and avoid having to actually get a job and take a bath.... and, um. Hmm.
That doesn't sound so bad! Maybe I'll go join Greenpeace. Or better yet, the Sierra Club. I hear they have their members checked for STDs before they let 'em join.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Monturf's Russian Love Bride
This is truly a wonderful story, a practical joke that shouldn't have worked for a second, but got taken hook, line and sinker by the victim.
My good friend the Monturf does volunteer work at the Central Utah Clinic for Independent Living. And he has a friend there named Sunny, who has (or at least should have) known how the Monturf's brain works for quite some time.
While waiting for the bus to take him to work, the Monturf happened to strike a conversation with a female type creature who, it turns out, served an LDS mission in Russia and is still fluent in the language. The Monturf, evil brained boy that he is, talked her into accompanying him to the office to play a particularly nasty little joke on the unsuspecting Sunny.
Upon arriving at the office, the Monturf put on an air of concern and worry. He said he needed to talk to Sunny right away. Upon meeting with Sunny, the Monturf introduced his "friend" as his mail order Russian love bride. He informed Sunny that Carla and I had been taking the money apportioned by the state to pay our aid salaries, and given it to him, until he had been able to bring "Olga" over to this country.
You need to know that Sunny has a wee bit of a temper anyway. And she was beside herself with rage. She took the Monturf down the hall a ways to pursue the conversation, but the rest of the office staff could hear her anyway. Sunny proceeded to rant and rave and carry on. It got worse when the Monturf informed her that he had not actually married Olga yet, but being a lonely mid-thirties age bachelor, had already begun doing the horizontal mambo with her.
At this point I guess Sunny was about to split in half. Then the Monturf told her that they needed help, as he no longer qualified for rent assistance and would be evicted in thirty days from his residence. Sunny managed to control her blood lust enough to tell Mr. Monturf that they would still find a way to help him and his Russian paramour out. They went back to "Olga", who the Monturf then asked to introduce herself.
The girl stood and said, "Hi, my name is Megan and I served a mission in Russia."
About the only thing Sunny has been able to say to the Monturf since then is, "shut up!" every time he looks at her.
Let's all take a moment to praise Caesar Monturf and his Truly Evil Brain. :-)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
A Breakthrough in the Science of Hamburgers...
I never would have thought of this without some provocation. That provocation coming in the form of one Miss Carla, who confessed that she purchased food from the Gay Puppet Burger place (aka Burger King) yesterday. Well, it lead to an interesting conversation about exactly what animals were being used in the burgers at Brand X over in Springville.
And then the light went on. Why not take a whole bunch of different animals, breed them together, and form the most perfect hamburger animal (if somewhat odd and disturbing looking) in the world?
And so, ladies and gentleman ... I give you the gohortubucoshigen burger. Made from the most succulent, tender fleshes of goats, horses, turkeys, buffaloes, cows, sheep, pigs and turkeys. More mouth watering barbecue worthy beast than man deserves.
Don't all line up at once to thank me, or the Monturf, who suggested that goats be thrown in the mix...
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Blog Thing Addictions Revisted Again
| You Should Drive a Ford Explorer SportTrac |
 Tough and supercharged, you have some rather extreme driving practices. You've been known to intimidate a few drivers. You rule the road. |
| You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut |
 A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence. |
| You Should Be A Taurus |
 What's good about you: you're stable, responsible, and loyal to those around you What's bad about you: you're stubborn and overly cautious - change is not easy In love: it's easy to melt your heart with traditional romantic gestures In friendship, you're: loyal - you'll do almost anything for a friend Your ideal job: chef, jewelry designer, or actor Your sense of fashion: sleek, designer, and very expensive You like to pig out on: steak and cheesecake |
The El Dave Lecture Series Presents ... Bathing and Bathtubs
The history of bathing is a long and complex one. It goes back to the very beginnings of mankind, when giant sloths were plentiful, women were mercifully scarce due to a lack of shoes and perfume, and violence was not only permitted but encouraged. Therefore, stinkiness at that time was not of particular concern.
However, when all the dinosaurs had been slaughtered and football hadn't been invented yet, men had to find something else to do. Unfortunately, they chose recreational sex with women as their new pastime. And thus bathing became necessary, as the females complained about twigs, dirt and bugs falling out of the man's hair during copulation, as well as the post coitus sweat emanating from his armpits. (Noticeable of course, is the fact that the men weren't complaining about the stink coming from the women ... undoubtedly because they were busy inventing football in their minds during intercourse rather than paying attention to their partners.)
But of course, in the end, men's minds, wills and souls were conquered by breasts and the promise of freshly baked cookies... and thus, stinkiness became a social issue of relevance. And so if a caveman wanted to get cookies 'n nookie on a Friday night, some sort of cleansing process was in order.
However, the actual origins of who first proposed bathing is shrouded in mystery. Ancient cave drawings are all of baked cookies, stick figures in conjugal reposes and inside-trap-left running plays. No mention of bathing is mentioned. Apparently it was a necessary evil and men didn't want to mention it, perhaps ashamed of being told what to do by the women for the sake of two minutes of pointless entertainment.
The first known reference to bathing and bathtubs were discovered on a sunbaked rock in a small gulley just east of the Pakistan badlands. In it were found the writings of one Pooker, known as the Eternally Virgin Stenchbag, who wrote:
"...whosoever doth not of the warm water
and chunky soaps partake,
may most assuredly of good companionship
and but of the cheapest skanks, not partake
for he who goeth forth with flies and foul fumes
twirling 'round his buttocks and armpits
surely cannot expect any right minded creature
to do naught but run for the lempkripits..."
Of course, history teaches us during the Dark Ages, particularly in Europe, that bathing became out of fashion due to fear of catching cold. Further research indicates that the lack of attractive women was actually the problem. And with castles, Crusades, plague robes and really cool nifty swords to play with, men didn't give a rat's behind about sex and thus the population plummeted (and the stink on the continent reached epic proportions.) Their independence from women and bathing was short-lived however. The Crusades died out, and once again men had nothing to do but entertain females on weekends.
Even when bathing was in vogue, for the most part bathtubs were thought too ostentatious for common use. As well, a bathtub was considered somewhat of a cop-out, intended for women who lacked enough chest hair to attract potential Friday night lovers. Most bathing was communally done in mud pools on Thursday nights, until the Unfortunate Group Gropping Earfungus outbreak of 2518 B.C, in which another fifty million people in European and the Ukraine mountain ranges perished. Finally, the Great Council of Cleen-Ye-Nouw convened in 875 B.C., and voted unanimously to institute the use of private bathtubs in the home. Over 2800 years later, in the year 1931, it finally caught on and people were free to clean themselves without the hassles of sharing soap bars, towels, or seeing your bathing companions drawing charcoal stick figures on each other's buttocks.
Of course, the bathtub was quickly perverted into other uses. Particularly in the deep South region of the United States, where tubs were often used for boiling chickens, making moonshine, holding weddings and church revivals, and the traditional First Knockup with close relatives.
Eventually bathtubs became commonplace, and they are now used for a variety of accepted purposes. Bathing, sex, storing engine blocks, making bourbon, or just as a conversation piece in your living room. Or even lurking in them and scowling at your neighbors in your Sunday best.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
If I Had A Gazillion Trillion Billion Dollars, I'd...
- Have 50, 000 head of angry Texas longhorn cattle stampede downtown Salt Lake City during the Days of '47 parade.
- Replace the Y on Y Mountain with Bo Didley Tech.
- Round up all cheerleaders and blonde girls and have them put in quarantined facilities in New Mexico.
- Have 5,000 midgets with supersoakers run around spraying people with barbecue sauce.
- Fill the Grand Canyon with gummy worms.
- Cut California off the continental plate, move it across the Pacific and sell it to Japan.
- Build a wall on the U.S. / Mexican and U.S. / Canadian borders that is 1,500 meters high, fifty feet thick and made entirely of freeze dried noodles coated in rancid soy sauce.
- Genetically engineer a race of super-prairie dogs to terrorize the central United States
- Move the United Nations headquarters to LaVerkin, Utah.
- Have all children named Hayden, Skyler, Dakota, Cody and Theodocius turned into lobsters and then mailed to Mars in a small telephone booth.
- Cause the European continent to sink three miles below sea level and then fill it with denture cream.
- Turn oil into ice cream, ice cream into cabbage, and cabbage into hand grenades.
- Convert Payson High school into a mortuary for deceased African water buffaloes.
- Create a cryogenic nap chamber and take a nap for seventy-three years
- Put an advertisement on every TV, cable and satellite channel, starring myself. I will tell everyone that no, I would NOT like to buy the world a Coke, I'm too cheap and mean, so they can go get themselves one or rot in a sewer, for all I care.
Quotes and Thoughts for the Day
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes Dave bored, cranky and more apt to start hunting people with a large rusty harpoon." - El Dave Ben Franklin Jerushabob McClurkenononovich
"In a mad world, only the mad are sane" - Akira Kurosawa
The territory of Michigan was created today in 1805. Bo Schembechler was probably around to witness the ceremony.
Also, for all you really bored people out there, I'm thinking of making a resume of the Monturf's life and career experiences. This came about after I discovered he opened for Judas Priest at the Hammersmith Odeon in '81 with a milk carton ukeleli and was booed off the stage. I'm not sure what either Priest OR the Monturf was thinking...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Fire! Fire! Fire!
What do you get when you leave the house to go to work, and it just so happens that the kitchen is on fire? Why, your dumb butler gets burned, that's what! Hmm ... there's smoke pouring out the windows and under the door, it's unreasonable hot, there's a weird yellow and orange glow coming from inside - it must be time to wash dishes!
Excellent.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Another Blogthing ... This One is WAY off...
Your Life Path Number is 9 |
 Your purpose in life is to make the world better You are very socially conscious and a total idealist. You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them. You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream. In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly. You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship. You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures. You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world. |
Socially conscious? What's that? I run over zoobie people in parks on weekends for fun, does that count?
My idea of fixing the world basically boils down to blowing most of it up and having everyone do as I tell them.
On the love thing, I have no comment. :-)
And finally, yes, I blame the world for everything. Because if the world was smart, they'd turn everything over to me, and trust me, I would fix things. Doesn't mean everyone (or anyone) else would be happy, but why would that bother me?...
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The Rumors are True...
Yup, it's true. At a little after four this afternoon, I became the father of a little boy named Spool, named after a song I like and his mother's love of
sewing, knitting and crafts.
Mom and baby are doing fine. Spool was born almost two months early, but he is much larger and more active than we had anticipated. He is already getting into things, can't hold still for long
(like his mom) and swears a lot (like his dad). Pretty amazing stuff for a baby less than a day old.
His mom and I are still seeing each other and stealing large amounts of video games with forklifts together in our spare time. We have not married yet due to some paperwork snafus involving Kodak, a dead UN representative, some missing crayon boxes and Area 51 (long, long story). Maybe someday, but for now we will just enjoy our little miracle and work on giving him some brothers and sisters. And leave them all with the Uncle Monturf to babysit while we go on cruises in Mexico, of course. :-)
Ta ta for now.
Papa Dave.
Blogthings Again. You Can't Stop Me!
| Your Observation Skills Get An F |
 You would be more observant if you were blind. Or totally stoned out of your mind :-) |
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Another Hit Song from the Brain of Dave
Yeah, when you are exhausted yet forced to work anyway (oh, the humanity!) ... well, this is what the mind of Dave coughs up. With apologies to whoever I'm subconsciously stealing ideas from...
Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
-----------------------------------
Oh, you said you'd love me forever
You told me there couldn't be another
And that we'd always be together
Blah blah blah, you know the rest girl
You left me standing, baby
on the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
It's so cold and dark here, baby
on the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
Oh, woman, why couldn't you have at least
Dumped me somewhere with warm upholstery
Rather than this forlorn and w(retched) place
A damp, dim alley full of grotesque icy poultry
You left me all alone, you know it
on the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
It's a Chick-Filet paradise, served on ice
Yeah, it's the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
I'll bet you and your friends are laughing
Having a good time at the local Mickey-Dee's
While I'm left standing in the rain
Dead refrigerated fowls up to my knees
Oh, I'll stand here in the wintry cold
the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
Girl, how could you make me feel so old
Leaving me here on the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
Yeah, someday you'll remember me
Here on the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens
But don't come crying to me, honey girl
My soul's turned dead cold ...
On the Boulevard of Frozen Chickens.
I've Got it Figured Out Now
Perusing the news this morning, in a sleep-deprived fog (I just love waking up at 2 am on a workday, don't you?), to find yet another celebrity drug/bulemia/whatever confession. Who was it? Lindsay something or other. I don't keep up on this stuff. All I know is that every time I turn around, the news is reporting some celebrity, sports or political figure coming out admitting to drug use and other various ailments. Then of course comes the inevitable best selling book touting said celebrity overcoming their tragic past ("my kitty didn't get premium brand cat ice cream when I was a child, and it drove me to smoke crack and have sex with 11 year old girls"). Then appearances on Dr Phil, Oprah, David Letterman and Larry King. Then, probably a movie on A&E or Lifetime.
So I guess I've been going about it all wrong my entire life. I mean, who has a more tragic past than ME?! I went to Goshen Elementary school AND Payson High school. In my childhood, my older sister tripped me once, and forced me to listen to Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow and that hideously evil Saturday's Warrior LP. Oh, and I didn't get the Crimson Guard Battle Fortress the Crimson Guard hydrofoil as a child. And once, when I was outside, a bird sitting in a tree LOOKED at me. I mean, the nasty little worm muncher actually had the audacity to look at me!!! Oh, the pain!
So, I think the book rights along should garner me ten million bucks. But don't come asking me for a loan. I'll be spending all my dough on therapy to repair my mental scars from my hideously tragic past.
(and for those of you who want to know, yes, I do use crack, vodka and morphine. But no little love girls or any crap like that... I have my dignity...)
Monday, January 02, 2006
For All You Java Freaks Out There
Good morning, fellow carbon-based units. While many of you are sitting there in front of your computer, hung over and wondering where your socks wound up last night, you are probably sipping some sort of hot melted bean mix. So, the following article may be of interest to you.
Mmm mmm mmm. So tasty. Really.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
2005 in Review ... Worth Reading
It's not very long, but this George Will column is worth checking out. I'm convinced what will finally destroy America is an overdose of politically correct bullshit.
2006. Woo. Hoo.
Ok, so I did actually flip on the TV and watch Dick Clark croak (and I mean CROAK) out the New Year with his cronies... I think Mr. Clark has legally been dead for twenty years, and they just bring him out of the freezer for special occasions.
Let's see, they had that gay weirdo Ryan what-his-name on there (at least he isn't out wandering around molesting people in the park tonight) and some dancing hoochie in a white vinyl thing attempting to sing (probably all lip-synched anyway, ala Mili Vanili)
And they had the freakin' Bangles perform. I guess they finally ran out of money after years of binging on opium flavored mascara. If we're going to bring old bands out of retirement, why not get a GOOD band. Not some bunch of twiggy, wrinkled old hags who can't play or sing. Then again, Ashlee Simpson is making a career of that, so I guess it doesn't matter.
Yeah, so I'm starting 2006 off by ranting, complaining and mocking everything. Isn't it reassuring to know that even though the calendar changes, my idiocy will always remain the same?
