More Rants Against 2005

A few thoughts occurring to me this afternoon while watching the Broncos - Chargers game.

1. 2005 maybe should be known as the Year of the Non-Boner. If you listen to the advertising, every man in America is apparently suffering from some sort of erectile disorder, due to being overweight, not getting exercise, high cholesterol, watching too much porn on the internet, excessive gambling disorders, rampant ALF sightings, stress over the economy and world politics, and the damned neighbor's dog who keeps pooping on the front porch. I have a much simpler, and logical (if unpopular) suggestion, which I have said before: there are very few women on this earth worth the effort it takes to get it up for. Sorry, "ladies", but it's true. Most of you flat out suck. That's why we get fat, do nothing but drink and watch football and refuse to talk to you...
2. The lack of quality advertising. Another topic I've brought up before. Biggest offenders: Miller Lite, Pepsi, the NBA, and the Cantankerous Geezers Against the Wanton Destruction of Valuable Old Fenceposts.
3. I don't want to see Eva Longoria's face ONCE in 2006. Hear that, Tony Parker? Stick her on a shelf somewhere in your house and leave her there.
4. A big BOO to NFL officials. I think they are getting paid by the flag rather than salary this year. I haven't seen so many flying yellow things since a jumbo cargo plane full of replica Tour de France yellow jerseys blew up over Ogden.
5. "Reality TV". Get real. Get a life. Read a book or slaughter your in-laws. It's better for you.
6. Our national debt is due more to the numerous expensive plastic surgeons required in Washington, DC to help our elected officials combat Pinochio Syndrome, than the war in Iraq. They're all a bunch of self-serving liars. May they all get gang molested by gorillas with genital herpes...

More words of wisdom and anger to come later (if I'm not laying under a carpet muttering to myself by 7 pm tonight...)

My New Year's Resolutions...

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet octopus 2) Eat less lard 3) Travel to Alaska 4) Study marine biology 5) Get in shape with rock climbing

What Should Your New Year's Resoluton Be?

Don't Mess with the Mighty Woof-Woofs...

Got this off the news wire, not sure which one. PeoplePC didn't list the source. But it's funny...

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FREMONT, Calif. - A pack of angry Chihuahuas attacked a police officer who was escorting a teenager home after a traffic stop, authorities said.

The officer suffered minor injuries, including bites to his ankle, Detective Bill Veteran said.

The five Chihuahuas escaped the 17-year-old boy's home and rushed the officer in the doorway Thursday, authorities said. The teenager had been detained after the traffic incident.

The officer was treated at a hospital and returned to work less than two hours later.

-------------------------------------

Well, I knew those Taco Bell commercials would eventually lead to a chihuahua revolt of biblical proportions. What more fitting way for all of us to die, than on New Year's Eve, getting gnawed to death by hairless rodent-dogs?

He's Out of His Freakin' Mind...

Ok, so many of you readers (all three of you - which probably includes my imaginary friend Yogar Bin Chow) are probably not big sports fans. But I have to vent. I just finished reading yet another sports columnist who thinks it's such a great idea to expand the NFL playoffs from 12 to 14 teams.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! One of the reasons the NFL is better (much, much better) than the NBA is the fact that making the playoffs still means something. Think about it. Only twelve of the thirty two teams will get a shot at the championship run. That's 37.5%. Compare it to the NBA, who allows 16 of 30 teams to get in. 53.3%. Ridiculous. Anyone who follows the NBA can tell you how many truly awful, lousy teams get into the playoffs every year. It's just not a big deal to get in.

In the NFL, on the other hand, we could see some 10-6 teams (almost had a shot at only the second 11-5 team) to miss the playoffs. And it's not always fair. Say a really bad division champ gets into the playoffs, while another, more deserving team gets left out. Consider the '85 Broncos, who did finish 11-5 and didn't get in because of the highly competitive AFC West, while the AFC champ Browns finished 8-8 and did get in. Fair? No. (Although Denver blew three games they should have won that year, so it was their own fault) But it makes things more interesting, more dramatic, and more full of rage and anguish.

The NBA? The NHL? Snooze through the first two rounds (at least). Who cares? Unless you're a compulsive gambler, in which case you're a complete loser and who really gives a flying fawk what you think, anyway!...

Random Thoughts from a Gagging Mind

Took the day off from work ... it's nice to have a job that actually gives you paid sick days again. Haven't had any job benefits for six years. Most places (particularly here in Utah - what are workers' rights?...) tend to view you as just a piece of discardable meat.

At any rate, here's what's crossed my brain wave patterns in the past forty-eight hours:

• The Monturf is going into rehab to treat his addiction to Smurf pornography
• I'm going to start breeding a farm of super killer ants to destroy the southern hemisphere
• I really need to stop buying stuff for a while. I have at least thirty DVDs still in the shrink wrap, and maybe as many as fifty CDs I have bought and not listened to yet. Then I probably have close to a hundred books I haven't read yet. Oh, plus various assorted video games I've started and not finished. Then there are all the "projects" that I'd like to get around to (when I'm dead, most likely...)
• I wonder if penguin steaks are any good?
• I can't remember my dreams lately, and it's driving me crazy, because I know they've been strange and interesting
• Ozzy Osbourne says there won't be another Black Sabbath album. Like anyone cares. The Oz has gone from being the revered frontman of the most influential metal band of all time to being the reigning clown prince of has-been celebrities, married to a psychotic megalomaniac woman who would drive anyone to drink and do drugs. Ozzy needs to just go away.

Now it's time to go boil some pizza and drink some fermented coca sauce...

End of the Year List, Vol. 1

Ah yes, another calendar year is at an end, and of course, that means making pointless lists of all kinds! I thought I'd do mankind a favor and toss in my electronic two cents to contribute to yet more electronic information overload on this spinning mudball called Earth.

Dave's Favorite Albums of 2005

Porcupine Tree - Deadwing (best album of 2005)
Spock's Beard - Octane
Neal Morse - ?
Deep Purple - Rapture of the Deep
Shakira - Fijacion Oral, Vol. 1
Shakira - Oral Fixation, Vol 2.
Kino - Picture
Dream Theater - Octavarium
King's X - Ogre Tones
Jon Oliva's Pain - 'Tage Mahal
Ray Wilson - Live
Kathleen Edwards - Back to Me
Opeth - Ghost Reveries
Audioslave - Out of Exile
Leaves Eyes - Vinland Saga

Gotta Love It...

It's good to know, that in these dark, troubled times the U.S. government is still there for the tired, the oppressed, the poor and forgotten. Like Anna Nicole Smith. Poor baby. After all that sex with some disgusting old wrinkle-bag, how can we, as kind and compassionate Americans, stand idly by and let her go without her hard-earned bling bling? Especially at this time of year, when charity and understanding should abound. I should be a good little patriot boy. I should be nice and overlook the fact that the surgery to inject twenty pounds of silicon into her boobs would probably pay off all my debts, leave me money to buy a new truck, and take an extended vacation in Transylvania...

Merry Christmas!

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given ... and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." - Isaiah 9:6

"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." - Luke 2:10-11

Merry Christmas to all of you. May God bless and watch over you and your loved ones.

Christmas, Christmas, Time Is Here... Blah Blah Blah

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Dave was staggering 'bout
Yelling about an alien mouse

The stockings were hung on his door somewhere
In hopes that drugs would be delivered there

No children were nestled snug in their beds
Dave was balancing jugs of beer on their heads

And the rest of this poem I'm too lazy to write
I'm gonna eat lotsa junk food and then barf all night

So to all a merry Christmas and have lots of fun
Offend lots of people, and into the hills run!

An Ancient Christmas Photo

Just to prove to all of you that I wasn't always a Christmas Scrooge, here's a pic of me and the Evil Chipmunk from 1978. When visions of giant piles of toys filled our tender young heads.

I guess one reason it doesn't feel like Christmas to me any more is that we rarely have much snow on the ground in December. It's just cold and grey. When I was a child, there was always at least six inches of snow, sometimes as much as a foot and a half. As much as I hate driving in the white stuff, it does make a big difference in establishing the "mood", if you will, of the season. I suppose I have global warming to thank for it.

I don't know if I will rant about Christmas or just quietly let it go this year. We shall see...

Friday ... at last ...

Quote of the Day: "Really, Dr. McCoy. You must learn to govern your passions; they will be your undoing." - Mr. Spock, Star Trek II

Lyrics of the Day:

"Came in walking from the rain
Oceans parted me again
Flight of fancy from now on
Separation only born
If the only thing I see
Will replace the child in me
To become so ignorant
Only wishing heaven sent

But it's you that leaves me here
In silence and sadness
It's you that leaves me far away
But it's you that leaves me here
In silence and sadness
But I want to be next to you..." - Kino

Thought of the Day: Walruses, can openers, anchovies and plastic explosives.

To be the Dogman

"...let me take my thoughts away
to think about another day
remembering the times I pray
to help me deal with me
to be the dogman..." - King's X

I feel like the Dogman this morning.
Tired, old, weak and run-down.
Feeling certain that I will always be alone.
Worrying about friends and decisions they are making or not making.
Knowing I could have been a better influence on them.
Worrying about family members.
Feeling like a complete misfit.
Feeling like a total failure.
Wondering what's wrong with me.
Seeing no light at the end of my tunnel.
Feel like killing all the emotions inside of me for good.
Just want to be numb and cold to everything.

Yeah, I feel like the Dogman.
I guess all I can do is pray to help me deal with being me.

Sims Updates

While recovering at home this evening, doped up on meds and suffering the aftereffects of dozing off while that really wonderful piece of cinema, Triple-X, was playing ... I found out some really Neat and Important Things.

1. There actually ARE alien abductions of Sims (see above photo). I'd never managed to get one to occur until tonight.
2. A Sim can be a zombie and a vampire at the same time.
3. A zombie-vampire Sim, or zompire, can die.
4. Vampires can be abducted by aliens. (I'm sure zombies can, too).
   
5. Vampires can procreate. Zombies cannot.
6. Zombies think about brains a lot. Vampires say bleh! a lot.

Now, I need to find out if someone, brought back to life as a zombie and then killed again, then brought to life (yet again) would be a zombie still, or back to a normal person.

Yeah, who needs drugs when you have Nyquil and the Sims?

Revised Post, mk.3

Ok, I wrote two really lousy posts this morning. The first one was just lame and pitiful. The second one was just dumb. I usually don't pull posts for any reason as I don't like censoring the lunacy that flows forth so freely out of my brain ... but I will today.

Ugh. Nasty head cold. I'm just watching a bit of pigskin madness and playing The Sims and lounging about. Not much else new to report. The Evil Chipmunk is safely up in Seattle. Carla bought a new digital camera that I'm sure we'll all be hearing about soon enough. The Monturf's reign of terror at the Central Utah Center for Independent Living is about to begin.

And me? I'm just hacking up my lungs, thank you for asking. :-)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ok, so I'm checking back in just a few minutes later. I think I'm going to rupture a kidney coughing soon. I've tried all sorts of meds, which usually help, and nothing is really doing anything... bleah ...

Also, I wanted to say anyone who wants to read an excellent article regarding the NFL's so called "parity" (read, mediocrity) should check this out at ESPN's Page 2.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your Dating Purity Score: 90%

You are an innocent dater. You're either lacking in dating experience or have had a long serious relationship. Either way, there's still plenty of fish in the sea out there for you to sample!

Dating Purity Test

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers "It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss" Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Your Christmas is Most Like: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Christmas was not a big deal for you growing up... And you're still trying to figure out what it all means.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Classic Morning Rants

(okay, so it just means I didn't have anything to write this morning so I pulled something out of the archives ... but it also got my mental gerbil wheels to spinning about starting up Morning Rant again, too...)

New Product of the Day: From the makers of Karma Kleenex Kondoms
and Tonsillectomy Tuna Taffy Treats, we now proudly present Doctor
Hermann's Butt Rot Powder. For the man who is just too lazy to wipe,
but doesn't need the inconvenience and discomfort of having all sorts
of weird things growing in his crack. A weekly application with the
patented Butt Rot Powder Turbo Blast Applicator will get rid of those
unsightly twiggy things sprouting leaves in your sitting place, and
have you smelling ... well, at least not as objectionable as you would
otherwise. And you'll be able to tell people to kiss your ass again
without hearing some wise guy telling you he can't see it for the
trees.

- Morning Rant, July 5th edition

(this was inspired from when the Monturf and I went to see a movie and got trapped in a theater playing Frank Sinatra music ... thanks, Frankie!)

Heifer of Love Lyrics
-----------------------------
Somewhere out there in Utah Valley tonight
Roams a desperate creature that just ain't right
She'll do anything you ask for a bale of hay
Or maybe some cheeseburgers and marmalade

She's out there in the night, mooing for your love
Her underarms smell like a ten year old glove
Her kiss is like a smelly and dehydrated fish
One taste and for your own death you will wish

Some call her the Skank on Easy Street
Some call her the Thing That Deodorant Forgot
But most just call her the Heifer of Love
That's right

It's three in the morning and she still wants more
Your whole body smells like a pig sty floor
And worse yet she wants to have your babies
While you wonder if you just contracted rabies

She mooes with pleasure in the night
She says that your love thing is just right
While all the while you are looking for a knife
To cut something off yourself and get on with life

Some call her the BYU coed mascot of the year
Some say she looks so bad you'll throw up in tears
But most will tell you, she's just the Heifer of Love
You know it's true

So now it's seven am, on a Sunday morning
Across you she lays naked, with her cow-like snoring
And you wonder what the hell you with thinking
Oh that's right, you were out all night drinking

Get up my friend, get up and run run run away
Don't bother with your clothes, it's the price you pay
'Cause you spent the night in her bovine embrace
It's time to disappear without a single trace

Some say that she's the Ultimate Double Bagger
One for you and one for her to prevent total brain stagger
But most everyone will agree she's the Heifer of Love
Maybe men should just all go gay

Keep runnin' and runnin' boy, it's the only thing to do
Keep runnin' and runnin' boy, don't know what else to do
Cause, boy, you got it on with the Heifer of Love
You'll never get it off now, that stink of old Glove

She's the Heifer... Heifer of Love...
She's the Heifer... Heifer of Luuuuuuuuuuvvvvvvvvvv....
She moos in the night for you, don't you know.........

- Morning Rant, July 12th Edition

Friends

Don't think I’ve not thought
Of what you mean to me, I do constantly
My friend, forgive me
Do you think of me as I think of you
I owe my life to . . .

I hold on clutching to the hope that I’ll be strong
When it comes down to the wire
I’ll hold on to with every ounce of strength within me
When it comes down to the wire

My friend, forgive me
Do you think of me as I think of you
I wish it were different
I wish I could take your pain
And now that I’ve found you
I feel like I’ve lost you again...

- Fates Warning

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." - Elbert Hubbard

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down" - Arnold Glasow

December 7th, 1941

(image taken from teachpol.tcnj.edu/amer_pol_hist/fi/0000016c.htm)

Please take a moment out of whatever you are doing today and remember those who lost their lives or suffered so much on this, one of the worst days in American history...

Quotes of the Day

"Bart, stop pestering Satan!" - Marge Simpson

"Well again I didn't mean to throw a damper. Believe me that's the last thing I'd like to throw. I don't want to throw anything at all really. But when folks are horribly mutilated, I feel it's my job to tell others. We take our horrible mutilations seriously up in these parts." - Ranger Brad

"Life's bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it." - Marvin the Paranoid Android

All That I Bleed

All the things we keep inside
All the things that really matter
The face puts on its best disguise
And all is well
Until the heart
Betrays

Lord bring on the night
Wrap it all around me
Let it hold me tight
Soak up all that I bleed

And I'll fly away
Yeah I'll fly away
Yeah I'll fly away
Watch me...

I bleed

- Savatage

It's Blogthings Time Again, Children...

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life. You love change and are able to adapt to any situation. Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life. Your gemstone: Emerald Your flower: Lily of the Valley Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Uh huh. I'm happier in a rut, quietly living out my insanities from within the confines of my dungeon. And what's the sweetness stuff? The only time I'm sweet is if I trip and fall into a barrel of old discarded Nutra-Sweet.

You Are Broccoli Casserole Soda

Vegetarians taste better!

What Jones Holiday Soda Are You?

Oh, dear Lord! I'm broccoli flavored! I can't live with the shame! AAARRRRGGGHHHH...

The Gandalf Conspiracy

(images taken from "Some Kind of Monster" and "The Fellowship of the Ring"

I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me sooner. A week ago the three of us were bored and channel flipping. We happened upon VH1's showing of Metallica's "Some Kind of Monster". While watching, the light finally went on. I realized this profound truth: drummer Lars Ulrich's father is really Gandalf!

Now I understand why Lars always seems to be intimidated by his father. Who, after all, would want to get cast into the fiery pits of hell as the balrog did? Or be blinded by horrible energies being shot out of a staff? Or worse yet, forced to clean dishes at a hobbit party?

Poor, poor Lars. All these years. We should have known something more than a narcissistic ego was at work here. The dread shadow of the White Wizard has lurked behind the troubled Danish drummer for all these years.

Dead Trees Make Me Happy...

Feeling a little stressed out today. So I did my favorite unwinding activity - go for a long drive. I jumped in the truck and headed out to Silver City for a bit, near the cemetary. Then I turned around and took the old highway down towards Vernon. Nice, wet, cool weather, my favorite. Most times I will have the radio going, but today I kept it off. Just listened to the sound of the tires on the wet pavement, the rain falling gently against the windshield, and enjoyed the quiet of the desert during a storm.

A Little Rest and Reeee-laxation...

I took tomorrow off to use up my vacation days for the year. It turns out my planning was fortuitous, indeed, as it is supposed to snow several inches and work is a 35+ mile drive. A little sleeping in, some hot chocolate in the morning perhaps, a good book and a comatose cat on my lap.

It won't happen, of course. I'll wake up at 4:45 in the morning, wide awake yet tired and spaced out. I'll probably stagger around for a bit, maybe read a little. Then play too many computer games, which really isn't that relaxing if you stop to think about it. By 10:00 I'll be bored, not because there's nothing to do, but because I have too many things to do. Thirty or so movies I haven't watched. Several new CDs (Shakira, Kino, Helloween, Gamma Ray, Dead Soul Tribe...) to listen to. Three or four magazines to read. Plus the books I'm reading...

What I really need is a 28-hour day. Then maybe I could get caught up on stuff.

For this evening, however, I have decided to kick back and watch the new Criterion release of a true cinematic masterpiece: Akira Kurosawa's Ran. For cinematography alone, this is worth watching. The wonderful acting, directing, set construction (the scene of burning down of the castle is amazing...) I was thrilled when I found out several months ago Criterion would be releasing Ran, the other two versions out there simply don't do it justice, with inferior subtitle translation and some poor color quality.

I'm supposed to go to a work Christmas party on Saturday, but I think I'm going to "forget"and pass it up. Nothing against the people I work with - I like them - but I'm not buddy-buddy with any of them, either, and I'm not going to be. I stick out like Howard Stern singing "Ave Maria" for the Pope. So I don't want to deal with it...