Monkey Love, Cthulu Cartoons, and More...

Yeah, women are every bit as dirty-minded as guys, perhaps even more so. They certainly aren't as selective about it as they'd like us to believe, or at least according to some research being done...




Got this from the Accordion Guy's blog. Check it out. Yeah, I suppose the publisher of Family Circus could sue for this, but it's funny. Cthulu takes on a whole new form...

Finally, I'd like to thank all the elephant-gun toting midgets from Denmark who brought me pizza and various other assorted tokens of peace in exchange for my sparing this small, insignificant country from total annihilation by falling pieces of petrified giraffe kidneys. Your contributions to my fridge shall not be (totally) overlooked...

What Remains?...

One less voice in the choir
One less candle giving light
One less cloud in the sky
One less breath in the night
It's alright
Don't cry
It's alright
Somehow I'll still be here
Right beside you tonight
I didn't ask to go
But maybe this is how it
Was meant to be
Don't cry
It'll be alright

Some More SimSanity

A little more Sim weirdness for your viewing pleasure. First, we have the infamous Karate Kouch Chik, who leaps about for no apparent reason other than to ruin your furniture. And then of course, we have Mr. Pie King, who nearly died after an attempt to make a basked Alaska blew up in his face...

S(he) Who Casts the First Snowball...

Last night, I was the victim of an unprovoked and savage snow attack. Though I acquitted myself with honor and beat back my assailant, I have been threatened with further assaults. Therefore, to my attacker, I now warn you that I am invoking the Spirits of the Polar Dog to guide and assist me!...

Thanksgiving Day Quote

From one of my truly most cherished cinema moments, in Addams Family Values, the following gem courtesy of Wednesday Addams:

"Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I suggest that today we go on the war path. Torch your neighbor's house! Steal his vittles! And remove the golden locks from his darling rotten children with a rusty machete! All hail the ancient and sacred violence that is the foundation of True Thanksgiving! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.......

Sony's Spyware

I don't know how many of you have been following this, but it's very interesting. And as a consumer, very annoying. I don't really have a huge issue with copyright protection on CDs. The record companies and artists have the right to protect themselves ... but how far should it go? Installing software on your computer to monitor usage and control how you use your product? WAY out of line. I hope Texas and the EFF are only the first of many to haul Sony into court and crucify them. Teach the RIAA and all those money-grubbing suits out there a lesson...

The Legend of Nessie...

For the true believers in the Legend of the Loch Ness Monster, and other fascinating sea creatures, check out this article in NGM Online... fun stuff.

And oh yeah, JFK was assassinated forty-two years ago today. Was the Loch Ness monster involved somehow? Maybe Scotland was in cahoots with the Keebler Elves Corporation and a band of nudist cannibals living somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.

Hey, it's as plausible as some of the stuff conspiracy theorists toss out!

The Movie of My Life...

The Movie Of Your Life Is Film Noir

So what if you're a little nihilistic at times? Life with meaning is highly over-rated. Your best movie matches: Sin City, L. A. Confidential, Blade Runner

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Interesting. I love Blade Runner. LA Confidential was really good, too. Haven't seen Sin City yet. My buddy N8 thinks it's really good...

TV rants

Watching the boobus-toobus most of today. Ah, football. Sweet legalized violence. But of course, amongst the glory of bone-jarring hits, enraged coaches cursing at officials and people in the stands dressed up like hippie alien love children, there's a hideous price to pay.

Advertising. I can't stop noticing how stupid, idiotic, banal, inane and retarded TV ads are. For every funny Capital One advertisement, there's twenty lame McDonald's ads, Ford truck ads, Kay Jewelry ads, Miller lite ads ...

1. Toby Keith (I think it's Toby Keith, I hate country music so I can't keep these generic cow-humpers straight), aka "Ford Truck Man". You know, country music is completely pimped out to Wall Street. Mr. Ford Truck man and all his ilk ... well, he'd be Mr. Green Oozing Genital Leprosy Cream Man if they paid him. Country music ...bigger sellouts than even pop stars or Ozzy Osbourne, and that's saying something.
2. Miller Lite. I don't drink, but if I ever start, I'll start with fermented pig swill over drinking Miller Lite. Their ads are so lame, so stupid... I'll throw that smarmy Bud heir bastard muttering to himself about hops and time, too. Ah, I'll just brew my own stuff and save myself the embarrassment of shelling out good money to companies like them...
3. McDonald's. I ain't lovin' it. You know the fad was over with about six months ago when Mickey D's tries to ape it. These guys are the ultimate in no-originality whatsoever. Kind of like their food. It's like a photocopy of real food.
4. Siegfried and Jensen. Uh-huh. I really hate the editing and camera angles in their ads, the slowly, dramatic posing ... just another couple of courtroom pimps of justice out to make bucks whatever way they can. America seriously needs to kill about 98% of the lawyers in this country anyway.
5. Speaking of camera angles and editing, try turning off the sound to your TV the next time a restaurant or food advertisement comes on. Just watch the screen. Oh, I absolutely HATE advertising production values....

And then of course, there is TV programming, which I have yelled about a lot, too. Survivor. The seventy-six different incarnations of CSI. All these dumb lawyer and cop shows... No wonder we wind up spending Saturday nights learning about Egyptian alien frog sex conspiracies...

Day Off ... Evilness Paradise

Took a day off for no apparent reason other than the fact that I had two paid days off coming before the end of the year. It's nice. Got some Neal Morse playing on the stereo, laying around reading and surfing, maybe watch a movie later. Maybe for fun I will stick a bucket on my head and shout later on this afternoon. It's been a while.

I'd also like to congratulate the Central Utah Thingamabobber for Independent Living for their wise decision to bring his Majesty the Monturf on board as a telephone rant monkey and General Administrator of Terror. They're all doomed, but their demise should be entertaining.

Speaking of which, the Caesar about ruined pizza for me last night. He came up with this awful concoction that consisted of goat cheese and squid. Sick and wrong. There are some things in life that can't be trifled with! If pizza is gone, what is left for me? Pizza is not only my sacred food, but my personal form of peyote. Pizza sends me on bizarre trips to mental netherlands which I never suspected existed. Then I get to come back and screw with other people's minds.

Finally, another sign my mind is going. We apparently have a mouse in the house. My mom bought some mouse bait. But she wrapped it in another product wrapper. So I walked past, took a look and said, "Holy crap! When did Sara Lee start making rat poison?! I'll never eat her cheesecake again!"

Yeah, maybe I oughta take a nap or at least cut down on my goat cheese and squid pizza...

Black

"I'm not waving to you, I'm drowning
And I hope for you to see
I'm not waving to you, I'm drowning
So why are you waving back at me?

I'm so tired of fighting the waves
I feel like going down
Lend that hand you're waving
Pull me aground

As I'm calling out to you, I wonder
Why my cry ain't getting through
Then a thought came to me
As I'm going under
Maybe you were drowning too." - Dead Soul Tribe

What a miserable, screwed up day. Work was a train wreck. I drove home full of black thoughts. Then I found out tonight about some more unhappy family news.... so I'm not sure whether to watch a bleak, depressing Bergman movie or just turn off the lights and stare at the dark cold walls all night.

My Irish Name

Your Irish Name Is...

Owen Clarke

What's your Irish Name?

Dang. I was hoping for something a little more like ... Leprechaun Death Master, maybe. Owen Clarke sounds like a little balding man in his fifties who writes technical manuals about butterflies in a damp cellar somewhere south of Dublin.

Another Sign of the Apocalypse

That's right, boys and girls. Just when you thought it was safe to pull your little heads out of the sink and start breathing clean, fresh air again ... it's time for another line of fine products from the publishers at Literary Blasphemy Unlimited.

Do you have problems understanding the word of God? Are you falling into a coma halfway through the five books of Moses? Would you like to know what in the world Isaiah or Peter are talking about? Look no further. From that veritable bastion of deep thinkers, profound philosophers and intellectual icons known as the National Basketball Association, we present:

The Bible Undunked: Holy Teachings Explained by Famous NBA Alumni

• Chapter One - The Four Gospels According to Charles Barkley
• Chapter Two - The Good Zenist's Approach to Isaiah by Phil Jackson
• Chapter Three - Why Potsmokers Understand the Book of Revelations by Bill Walton
• Chapter Four - Who Begat Who: A Guide to Old Testament Fornicators by Shawn Kemp
• Chapter Five - I Ain't Gonna Work for No Lousy Fourteen Million Shekels, I Got Mouths to Feed - The Latrell Sprewell and Patrick Ewing Guide to Biblical Weights, Measures and Bling-Bling
  
• Conclusion - Thou Shalt Not! - by David Stern
  

Veterans' Day

(clipart image - not sure from what website)

To all those who have served, and to all those who are serving.

Thank you.

For the rest of us, please take a moment today to remember those who have suffered and sacrificed so much. We truly don't know how good we have it.

Edmund Fitzgerald 30th Anniversary

Shipwrecks have always intrigued and somewhat disturbed me. About a year ago, I remember being at work, showing Carla some online footage of a German liner that was sunk (one of several) by a Russian submarine towards the end of World War II. At least four thousand wounded soldiers and civilians died. Watching the film of the camera going around the outside of the ship (they stayed outside in respect) made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. But I had to watch it several times anyway.

Of course, there is the Titanic. The U.S.S. Arizona and Yorktown have always fascinated me. And today marks the 30th anniversary of the S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald. This story creeps me out as well. I think I saw a special on it a while back, either on National Geographic or the Discovery Channel, or something like that.

Here's a website dedicated the Fitzgerald, along with some other interesting links and articles:

• S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald Online
• "Danger on the Great Lakes", WZZM 13 Grand Rapids
• Famous Shipwrecks of the Great Lakes
• "Return to Midway", National Geographic
• "Ghost Ship Found", National Geographic
  

For anyone interested in British naval history, there's an excellent article in last month's National Geographic about Lord Nelson and the Battle of Trafalgar as well...

Death By Caffeine...

For those of you who enjoy the calculations of death, check out this little website. Mine came to 254.39 cans of Mountain Dew. Of course, I think height should be considered as well as weight... so I am sure it is not too scientific. But I am gonna buy 22 twelve-packs of MD for this Friday night.

Oh, and it would take 2,331.88 Kit-Kat bars to take me out. Bring on the dump truck of chocolate death goodness!

Random Mutterings on a Tuesday Night

Since today is election day, I thought I'd break out a few appropriate Tuesday evening quotes for your reading pleasure... plus a few more thoughts for all you lucky people with too much time on your hands, and too many crack-Fritos in your tummy...

1. "It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!" - Kang, from The Simpsons
2. "My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference." - Harry Truman
3. "Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize." -Saul Bellow

In other news, my cat has a viral infection and gets to have medicine administered twice a day for the next three weeks. By the time this is over, she'll probably never speak to me again. And then she gets to have two teeth pulled. Just lovely...

If Carolina cheerleaders getting the naked huggy on in a bathroom stall doesn't flip you out, maybe this particular news item will. Incredible. Don't birds generally have beaks? And especially parrots?! You would think... well. One can draw all sorts of disturbing conclusions from this:

• Maybe the parrot is used to being transported in this manner. Did it belong to Dolly Parton or Anna Nicole Smith?
  
• The girl's nipples have been more chewed on than a pasture full of starving goats already.
  
• It's just another French fashion statement. Rich women have birds crapping on their boobs day and night to moisturize their skin (and their chest hair).
  
• I hear Victoria's Secret isn't doing too well these days. Could it be a foiled publicity stunt?
• She was a really dumb feminist who forgot you are supposed to burn your bra, not stuff it, and that you need a lighter, not a parrot.
• After all the hurricanes, FEMA, Greenpeace and the Sierra Club are paying women to let birds nest in their chests until their native habitat can be restored.
• It's a big giant man-hating conspiracy thing and all us guys are better off going back to getting drunk and watching football.

Enjoy your evening and the Ugueth Urbina hospitality committee television show...

Frolicking in Florida

I suspect those two Carolina cheerleaders were just making a film for that lesbian cruise line that all the lemmie athletes (ie, Sheryl Swoopes) are tripping over themselves to come out of the closet and get endorsement cash from. What was it called again? Athena? Aardvark? AARPC?

Still pretty effed up, though. I mean, a toilet stall? Can't you at least give your partner the consideration of having a relatively stink free area to express whatever it is the two of you want to express?

Must have been all the Miller Lite beers those two drank. Not only does Miller make very lousy football commercials, but apparently they're staking their claim as the official sponsor of the 2006 Lesbian Toilet Olympics.

More Blogthings ... Yeah, More!

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing. That doesn't mean you don't rock out... You just rock out with meaning. For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

You Are a Goth!

You're so gothically outrageous, and you aren't afraid to flaunt it. Whether you dress up like Robert Smith or a tragic Little Bo Peep, chances are that you'll be parading around with the rest of the goths at Yoyogi Park on Sunday. Don't forget your white makeup and blue lipstick! Who knows? You may just get picked up by one of the seedy photographers.

What's Your Japanese Subculture?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Jiro Yamada

What's your Japanese Name?

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

What I've Learned Today

I came home from another Evil Movie night with Carla and the Monturf. I found an letter updating me on my benefits package from my new job. One problem, though. It was addressed to a Mr. Hosher. Hosher? Sounds like I am a fan of Jewish marijuana. Well, I guess no more oink flesh on my pizza, but I can go to my synagogue stoned out of my mind...

I also spent a lot of this evening muttering about lobsters. Not sure why, there. Maybe Sizzler has a remote device attached to the back of my left earlobe that I didn't know about. I knew some seafood company had to be controlling my mind.

And finally, kudos to the Philadelphia Eagles for suspending Terrell Owens. Not only should he never play in an Eagles uniform again, he has no place playing in the NFL period. Some knucklehead GM will take a chance on him, of course. And he'll do the exact same thing he's done in San Francisco and Philadelphia....

My Brain's Pattern

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Update

Yep, the charges facing Pacific States is a true story. Who knows how it will turn out? But considering the treatment I witnessed of plant workers and other things that were going on, my sympathy for the people involved in this is less than zero. Should be interesting to see how it pans out...

Thursday night brain seizures...

A few more things from the Mind of El Dave this evening ....

Got Civ IV in the mail yesterday. Installed it. Wouldn't run. Figures.... but I did all the necessary fiddling, tweaking and occasional cursing and finally got Civ up and running. It looks promising, very promising. All you armchair dictators out there might want to consider treating yourself to it this Christmas. I was a bit disappointed to see that the wacko advisors and much of the humor that made Civ II so great is still absent. But the improvements in gameplay, technology management, resources and politics look to make IV a pretty good improvement over its predecessor. Now, if I could just get my Elvis-suit clad cultural advisor back...

Apparently one of my former employers was in the news tonight. I didn't see it - my mom told me about it. Maybe, just maybe those bastards running Pacific States finally got busted. It seems like they've been caught red-handed breaking environmental rules. (As if they haven't been doing that from the very beginning... but I guess they aren't bribing state officials enough any more...) Not that it will amount to much. I am sure Pac States will undoubtedly just pay off more people and get away with it. But some part of me still hopes people in upper management do some jail time. The place deserves to get nailed to the wall. If anybody hears anything about it, leave a comment, email me, call me ... I want to know what's going on.

Was gonna watch a movie, but it's kinda late. Need to get a decent night's sleep for once. But it was worth it to spend a few hours building up my Russian empire (my Russian Hindu empire, go figure THAT!...) Maybe I will post some snapshots later on.

Tuesday Night Mind Grokkings

A few thoughts for this evening (I actually have time to write! Fancy that...)

After trying to deal with a small brat child on a phone on more than one occasion in the past few months, I am seriously considering writing a series of books about the human small fry and their adverse affects on the planet.

• All Children Are Pathological Liars
  
• Everything I Needed to Know to Become a Master Criminal, I Learned from a Three-Year Old
• The Diaper Dilemma: That Ungodly Stink is No Accident! and other True Tales of Children's Biological Warfare Against Their Parents
• A Brief Guide to the Psychic Powers of Kids: Things You Always Suspected But Didn't Want to Know
• No, Mommy, The Little Shit is Using Reverse Psychology on YOU!

I like my job, but I am having a horrific time staying awake in the afternoons. I had basically kicked my Mountain Dew habit which I acquired at the Mending Shed, and managed to curb the Pepsi habit I got at the Monturf's. Now I'm a double fisted drinker. I suspect my very DNA will be diabetic in six months.

If anyone likes good progressive rock, consider picking up some of Neal Morse's work. Go to Radiant Records or Neal Morse's website for more info. A seriously talented individual, who deals with spiritual and religious themes without being preachy, self-righteous or overbearing. Good stuff.

I found a new way to mess up a Sim last night. If certain levels are not high enough and they use the aspiration altering device (can't remember the actual name), it can really screw them up badly. A poor sap went from loving family man to a lunatic obsessed with grilled cheese sandwiches. All he wanted to do was cook, eat, talk and dream about all things grilled cheese. I was proud. I'll see what else I can come up with.

Maybe more thoughts tonight, and maybe I will be asleep by 7 pm. We'll see.