This is it. The Year Of... Doom. The Final Destruction Of The Monturf's Brain. And Major, Earth-Shattering Occurrences. Prepare ye, prepare ye!
Here's my list of things I believe will happen in 2008:
- Hillary Clinton will finally admit she is actually a man - the sex change surgery went very badly. This surprises no one - did anyone ever think there was anything remotely female about Hillary?
- Presidential hopeful, bigot and loudmouth Mike Huckabee will be caught in a revival tent with several underage boys and girls. He'll try to claim he was teaching them to "praise Jesus". The Republican party takes a hit as the "Party of the Perverts". The Democrats are enraged, as Pervert territory has always been their domain.
- The New England Patriots will indeed go 19-0, but their fortunes collapse as 1,329 other women come forth admitting Tom Brady has fathered children with them. Brady commits suicide, and since the children were all conceived on team road trips, the Patriots are declared legally responsible for them. The organization goes bankrupt and folds, the Super Bowl trophies are auctioned off, Randy Moss becomes a gay Muslim and Bill Belichick becomes a karaoke superstar in Japan.
- Unfortunately, 2008 will not be the year that Al Davis and George Steinbrenner croak.
- The following celebrities will however, die in a massive riot while picketing downtown Hollywood boutiques that won't let them shoplift: Joan Rivers, Jessica Alba, Keanu Reeves, Robin Williams, Cat Deely and the Olson twins.
- NASA discovers that the real cause of global warming is all the junk they've put in space over the years, reflecting additional sunlight onto the surface of the planet. Lame duck president Bush creates an agency of Space Garbage Sweepers to clean it up. However, the initial launch of the space vehicle "Trash Bucket 1" goes badly, and the 800 ton craft careens into Paris, France. The city is obliterated. England, Spain and Germany rejoice.
- Greenpeace freaks set legendary orca Shamu loose during a performance. Ironically, the escaped beast knocks over a Greenpeace protest raft near Ireland and eats the occupants.
- Sadly, 2008 is not the year that the world wises up and nukes the entire Middle East off the face of the earth.
- Osama bin Laden, desperate to maintain relevancy, appears on the Arab version of "Who's Your Daddy" on Al-Jazeera. It is discovered, however, that he was born with no genitals and thus incapable of fathering children. It will turn out that all his wives have been messing around with Israeli and U.N. soldiers. This explains his real hatred of the rest of the world, and the terrorist thing is just a substitution for having no penis.
- All the "energy drinks" will be revealed to be nothing more than fermented soy sauce mixed with bat guano and dried meth. Oddly, this improves the sales of said products. At this point, God will take out an full page ad in the Washington Post saying we are all far too sick to continue, and marks the year 2009 as the year He takes us all out behind the proverbial Cosmic Woodshed.
